Left Behind

          

          “Left Behind” came out like two months ago, and I wanted to review it then, but alas, I am not about to spend $10 of my husband's hard-earned money to watch a terrible movie starring Nicolas Cage and his Sad Face, and thus am dependent on Christians to illegally upload the movie to the Internet once they are done watching it. Since Christians tend not to be moral black holes, this can take awhile. BUT THE WAIT IS FINALLY OVER.

         Nicolas Cage, obviously hoping to deep-six his film career even further, stars as Ray-Ban, a pilot in charge of driving a plane full of empty clothes through the air, in a modern remake of the 2001 Christian blockbuster “Left Behind,” which was based on the 436-book series by Jerry Jenkins and Tim LeHaye, which is NOT based on the Bible, but instead features their vividly inaccurate imaginations of a non-biblical, but nonetheless pop-culturally significant, apocalypse. That was a long sentence, but if medical school has taught me anything, it's that you want to fit your case presentation into 2 sentences, but you don't want to leave anything out. Enter: run-ons.

         Before we get started, I want to assure you all that I have, indeed, read all 942 “Left Behind” books. Maybe (definitely) more than once. I was THAT person. I read Revelation from cover-to-cover, and when I was in middle school, I tried to write a fantasy book co-starring the Horsemen of the Apocalypse and the Lion of Judah. Unfortunately, I do not have a copy, but desperately wish that I did. Believe me when I tell you, I am EXTREMELY qualified to write this review. Errors, suspensions of belief, and any smidgen of accuracy will be noted as follows:

1. Jumpin' right in there with the Random Airport Christian and your Garden-Variety Apologetics, hopelessly outnumbered by the one-two punch of Ray-Ban's Clueless Daughter and Ruggedly Handsome Reporter's displays of rational thinking and sincerely-held-belief-bashing. Both of them are atheists, and are quite obviously quagmires of immorality.
2. Oh, Ray-Ban, I see what you did there – the disappearance of your wedding ring coincided exactly with the arrival of Hottie to the scene. However, if Foundations of Medical Practice has taught me anything (and it hasn't), it's that correlation does not equal causation.
3. Hottie's sexual attraction to Ray-Ban is evident in the way in which she eyes his backside with appreciation. Causation equaled, I retract my previous statement.
4. Ray-Ban wears his Ray-Bans inside. Because of course.
5. Clueless Daughter's use of “wacko” to describe her Christian Mom's belief system makes me think she's probably related to John “Wack-o Bird” McCain.
6. The sneak peeks of children on Ray-Ban's plane is not a subtle use of foreshadowing at all.
7. Hey, Ray-Ban Junior and Clueless Daughter, going to the mall is what the cool kids do........................ in 2003.
8. The sneak peaks of children in the mall is not a subtle use of foreshadowing at all.
9. Hey, Ray-Ban, Hottie, and Ray-Ban's backside, going to a U2 concert is what the cool kids do...................................... in 1989.
10. WHOA THAT WAS ABRUPT!!!!!!!!!!!! RAY-BAN JUNIOR IS JUST A PILE OF CLOTHES!!!! CLUELESS DAUGHTER IS TELLING A PILE OF CLOTHES THAT SHE LOVES IT!!!!!!!! THE PLANE IS FULL OF PILES OF CLOTHES!!!!!! THE MALL IS FULL OF PILES OF CLOTHES!!!!!!!! THE CO-PILOT IS A PILE OF CLOTHES!!!!!!!! A PILE OF CLOTHES IS FLYING THE PLANE!!!!!!!!! The whole plane looks like the floor of my college roommate's side of the room – PILES OF CLOTHES EVERYWHERE!!!!
11. Hey, Clueless Daughter, I'm pretty sure that Ray-Ban Junior is not inside of the backpack through which you are so frantically rummaging.
12. Um wow, I'm not a pilot at all, but I'm pretty sure that there is NOT a button on a plane that just SUCKS ALL THE OXYGEN OUT OF THE CABIN!!!!!!
13. Um, no, Ruggedly Handsome Reporter with a boss Nikon, you can't just take a picture out a dark airplane window of a dark airplane wing in the dark while flying in the dark and have it come out perfectly focused and perfectly lit without even a hint of shake. I am a photographer who owns a boss Nikon, I know these things. If I can't do it, you can't do it.
14. How is it that even though Ray-Ban and his backside on a plane that is only like 3 hours from New York, and Clueless Daughter is IN New York, why is it that it is completely pitch-black outside of Ray-Ban's plane, while Clueless Daughter is running frantically through the well-light daytime streets? Even if a plane is flying against the rotation of the earth, it just doesn't work like that. 
15. Clueless Daughter, does Ray-Ban Junior have a curious case of the Benjamin Buttons? Why else would you look for him in the nursery of a hospital?
16. Oh, all the babies and all the kids and all the nice people were taken, but the DOCTORS were left behind? You know why that is, right? We doctors are godless moral vacuums, that's why.
17. The dog sitting next to the pile of clothes is probably the saddest part of this whole stupid movie.
18. Whoa, Ray-Ban, does your mom live in the cockpit of your aircraft? She doesn't? Then maybe, as you are flicking casually through the pile of clothes that used to be your co-pilot, idk, maybe you want to be a little more neat about it, and not just toss things willy-nilly over your shoulder?
19. Christian “Wack-o Bird” Mom's Bible is open to Song of Solomon? For a woman who believes fervently in the Rapture, I would have expected a little more “abomination of desolation” and a little less “your breasts are like two fawns” from her daily devotional but hey, what do I know, it's not like I majored in Bible and Religion in college or anything.
20. Straight from the mouth of King Nicholas himself - “Either I'm going crazy, or the entire world is insane.” Truer words have never been spoken, especially by a man who (presumably) voluntarily chose to eighty-six his film career by appearing in his wretched screenplay, and is now deeply regretting that decision. True fact – those words were not in the original script – they were ad-libbed as Nicolas Cage realized what a mistake he had made.
21. WHOA, LADY WITH A GUN?!?!!?!? ON A PLANE?!?!?!? It's been a long time since I've held a gun (those darn pacifist beliefs!), but last I checked, they were made of metal. Metal that is detected by metal detectors, specifically set up to detect the guns made of out metal that crazy people bring onto planes. WHERE IS THE TSA IN ALL OF THIS?!?!?
22. Ray-Ban, telling Hottie that you have a wife is a very noble thing to do, but come on, time and place. I mean, no time like the present, but all hell is kind of breaking loose with the proles in steerage right now!
23. Hottie, if I were you, I'd be more upset about the steerage full of empty clothing than the fact that flirty-flirt Ray-Ban and his backside have a wife.
24. The look on Ray-Ban's face when he finds out that the entire planet has been affected is probably the same look Nicolas Cage wore at the premiere of “Left Behind” when when he realized that everyone would see him in this ridiculous movie. Sheer horror.
25. Wow, despite having demonstrated absolutely zero aptitude for original thought or talent of any kind, other than parroting John McCain, Clueless Daughter has suddenly learned to drive a motorbike! Her newfound skill at motorbike-driving does not extend to picking up a helmet, however.
26. Clueless Daughter's previously untapped reservoir of mechanical knowledge comes in handy in very quick succession – first a motorbike, then a stick-shift pick-up, and now a road-grader! I hope that someday, my vast knowledge of trees of the United States comes in handy in an emergency like this.
27. YEAH, GURRRRL, LIGHT THAT SH*T UP!!!!!! Good thing there is always a gas can available in an emergency.
28. The hug between Ray-Ban, Ray-Ban's backside, and Ray-Ban's Clueless Daughter is inspiring as all-get-out. Hallmark movie music plays, New York burns in the background, families are sobbing over piles of clothing that used to be children, but all is right in what remains of their little family.
29. The closing screen is of Ray-Ban's stunned face, as Nicolas Cage realizes what appearing in this movie has done to his career.

        My biggest beef with this movie is not the bad acting, not the lack of Kirk Cameron, and not even that it portrays a biblically-inaccurate event, but that the entire movie is just Nicolas Cage flying a plane while repeatedly assuring everyone that he would get to the bottom of “whatever-this-is.” Having read the “Left Behind” books, I can tell you that Ray-Ban flying a plane constitutes approximately 1/100^th of the entire series, and only about the first 30 pages of the 250-page first installment. WHERE IS THE ANTICHRIST?!!? In the White House, obviously, and unavailable for comment. 
         In conclusion, don't watch this movie. Rotten Tomatoes gave it a 5%, which is probably some kind of record. If you really feel like you want to hasten the arrival of Jesus, just keep on doing good things for people who need it, because nothing you do is going to speed up his return. Dude has his own timetable. 

God's (Not) Dead

    

     “God's (Not) Dead” is basically the ham-fisted, live-action remake of Lee Strobel's “Case for a Creator.” Have you read that book? I've read that book. I DEVOURED that book, took notes, took the arguments to my high school biology teacher, and tried them out during his class on evolution. He was very kind, but in his head was probably like “No. Stop. Just stop. Why did I start teaching, again?”

     The basic premise of "God's (Not) Dead" is that Fresh-Faced Christian Dude goes to college. His first (and apparently only) course is Philosophy, taught by Atheist Professor, who orders his students to write "God is dead" on a sheet of paper in order to pass. The sheeple in the class comply, because passing grade, but fresh-faced Christian dude refuses, because Christian. Atheist Professor allows him this transgression, contingent on his winning over his classmates in a defense of God, which of course he does, because if there's one thing God needs, it's some fresh-faced Christian dude to defend him. Errors, suspensions of belief, and flat-out terrible (or the elusive laudable) moments are as follows:

1.             Really? In the first five minutes of this movie, there is already an incredibly offensive racial stereotype? Hey, writers, before telling someone to slap a scarf over her head and face in the most ridiculous approximation of a hijab, HOW ABOUT YOU DO A BASIC GOOGLE IMAGES SEARCH?!?! That's not what it looks like.

2.             The Overly Caricatured Liberal Woman with “meat is murder” and humanism stickers on her bumper just might be a liberal, but I'm not sure that the stereotype is heavy-handed enough.

3.             ADORABLE OLD WOMAN WITH DEMENTIA, I LOVE HER!!!!! She'll end up being the only reason I keep watching this film, I guarantee it.

4.             Really? Out of a class of 50, only Fresh-Faced Christian Dude is a Christian? Maybe I'm used to living in the Bible Belt, but that seems improbable.

5.             It is also a suspension of belief that this professor hasn't been fired for this.

6.             Dear writers – if you want to have a Muslim girl throw a scarf over her head and call it a fakity-fake hijab, AT LEAST stay true to Muslim ideals of modesty, and DON'T HAVE HER WEAR A SHORT-SLEEVED SHIRT!

7.             Extremely Handsome Pastor gives Fresh-Faced Christian Dude some Scripture references and then walks away. Just the references. Not the actual Scripture. Luke 12:48, Matthew 10:33. Like he was playing Bible Bingo or something. Doesn't even write them down. My luck, I'd go home, forget, try to remember, and then end up looking up that one passage in the Gospel of James, where Jesus says “pass the celery,” and then I'd be really confused as to how that was to bring about the Kingdom of God.

8.             Uh, yeah, Overly Caricatured Liberal Woman, when you go to the doctor, you're gonna want to turn your phone off and not answer it 3x in the first 10 seconds. We doctors hate that sort of thing.

9.             Hey doctor, according to Clinical Skilz, when you tell a woman she might die of cancer, it's best to do it as an open-ended question, and be sure that you ask her how it makes her feel, hearing that she might die of cancer.

10.          Fresh-Faced Christian Dude's Beautiful Girlfriend, on the day of their 6^th anniversary of their meeting in youth group, tells him that he has to choose between her and defending God in his Philosophy class. Uhmmmm... maybe I went to the wrong youth group growing up, but we wimmins were encouraged to encourage the mens to defend God...

11.          Beautiful Girlfriend DROPS Fresh-Faced Christian Dude LIKE A HOT POTATO because he's too into God? Let's be honest here, she totally cheated on him with his best friend, and this is her exit strategy.

12.          The school library uses rubber stamps for due dates? I haven't seen a rubber-stamped due date since I was in MIDDLE SCHOOL. IN 2004. TEN YEARS AGO.

13.          Atheist Professor has a Christian Girlfriend. Guuuurl, at this point, you have only yourself to blame.

14.          Atheist Professor's Boring Colleagues are obviously not Christians. You can tell by the way they are horrible to Christian Girlfriend, all because she served bad wine. Ok, screenwriters, we get it - ALL ATHEISTS ARE TERRIBLE PEOPLE AND HAVE NO MORAL COMPASS OR BASELINE FOR TREATING PEOPLE KINDLY. Can we stop beating that dead horse?

15.          Yeah, Fresh-Faced Christian Dude, insulting Atheist Professor in HIS OWN CLASS, in front of his students, is probably the best way to eighty-six your college career. If you weren't infamous before, you certainly are now. Good luck escaping that stigma.

16.          Hey, Fresh-Faced Christian Dude, are you a biologist? Have you taken a few biology courses? No? Then stop using Darwin to prove God's existence. It's not as simple as it sounds, and you're outta your depth. Unless you actually have some real biology knowledge (and are not parroting Lee Strobel), you just sound foolish to the rest of us, who actually DO have biology knowledge. Also, the “facts” you're using are at least 20 years out of date.

17.          Haha. Fresh-Faced Christian Dude's face, when Atheist Professor starts quoting Job. It very clearly says “I do not recognize this passage, because I have never read Job. In my church, we only read I Corinthians 13, Luke 2, the Golden Rule, and that one passage in Leviticus about the homosexuals.”

18.          Ugh. This tired old trope. “Hey, I know I'm Atheist Professor NOW, but this one time, I was CHRISTIAN Professor! Only, my mom died. My CHRISTIAN mom. SO I BECAME AN ATHEIST BECAUSE GOD LET MY MOM DIE.” Stop. Just stop.

19.          OMG SCREENWRITERS, DID YOU SERIOUSLY JUST HAVE MUSLIM DAD SLAP MUSLIM GIRL ACROSS THE FACE BECAUSE SHE WAS LISTENING TO CHRISTIAN STUFF?!?! AND THEN YOU THREW HER OUT OF THE HOUSE?!?!!? Why don't you just have him yell “Allahu Akbar” a few times, just to get the point across the Muslims are REALLY BAD PEOPLE.

20.          Boring Colleagues give each other awkward side-eye when Christian Girlfriend breaks up with Atheist Professor in front of them. Yeah, girl, GET IT.

21.          Really, Extremely Handsome Pastor? You're really gonna use PAUL to comfort Secretly Christian Muslim Girl? Of all the misogynistic writers in the Bible, you're gonna choose Paul? Why not Stephen?! He gave a very nice, non-misogynistic speech about suffering as he was being stoned to death! Or Jesus! Dude was all about suffering and persecution, and perseverance in the face of persecution! They tried to kill him like 5 times, but he just kept right on truckin', even after they kind of succeeded that one time... now THAT'S inspiring.

22.          Atheist Professor's and Fresh-Faced Christian Dude's unintentional meeting in an elevator is as awkward as it sounds.

23.          Yeah, hey, Atheist Professor, pro tip from a college student who dislikes figures of authority who misuse their positions of authority - maybe if you want to be taken seriously in your class, don't start screaming at Fresh-Faced Christian Dude... that's just gonna put all the students in your class on HIS side, simply because college kids don't like authority figures, and will use any excuse to spite them.

24.          I'm 100% certain that the class's 180 degree turnaround regarding the existence of God is 100% due to Atheist Professor LOSING HIS S***, and 0% due to Fresh-Faced Christian Dude's sound reasoning abilities and outstanding oratorical skills.

25.          Hmmm.... this camera-pan of Sweet Old Dementia Lady's darkened house is kind of weir- OMG THERE IS A MAN SITTING IN THE ROOM LIKE SOME KIND OF CREEPY CREEPSTER!!!!!

26.          CREEPY CREEPSTER MAN, YOU WILL NOT TALK TO YOUR SWEET OLD MOTHER LIKE THAT. I love old people, and I will NOT allow it!  Where is your sense of morality and respect?! Oh, right. You're not a Christian, so you are a bottomless pit of filth and moral degradation. Carry on.

27.          Wait, suddenly we're at a Newsboys Concert?

28.          Yeah, Atheist Professor, I'm sure you'll be able to find your Christian Girlfriend at the Newsboys concert, among 8,000 screaming Christian fangirls...

29.          Hitting Atheist Professor with a car in order to reach the next plot point is just bad writing.

30.          Apparently, when this scene showed in theaters, people LAUGHED. Christian people, one would assume, based on their attendance at this very-Christian film, LAUGHED as a man was hit by a car. Where in the Bible does it say “when a man is hit by a car, if that man be an atheist, thou shouldst laugh?” Nowhere. Not even in the Pseudoepigrapha. So before laughing at someone's misfortunes, ask yourself - “WWJD?” He wouldn't, that's what.

31.          Hey, Extremely Handsome Pastor, who serendipitously just HAPPENS to be present, do you moonlight as a doctor? No? Then maybe you shouldn't shout about how Atheist Professor has crushed ribs and lungs that are filling with blood, cuz I'm pretttttttty sure you have no idea.

32.          Also, Extremely Handsome Pastor, do you think that maybe, if you have a captive and dying audience, like poor crushed-ribs Atheist Professor here, do you think that maybe you might consider cutting your “Come to Jesus” spiel a little shorter, since the guy might actually choke on his own pulverized lungs and die before he gets the chance to rasp “Into your hands I commit my spirit?” My disapproval of your actions notwithstanding, I wouldn't want all your fine work to be in vain.

33.          Secretly Christian Muslim Girl and Fresh-Faced Christian Dude ALMOST CERTAINLY went home and boinked after they met at the concert. Nothin' like a little bit of Newsboys to get the blood up... 

     Yeah. So I disliked everyone in this movie. Except the sweet old lady with dementia, because I love old people. And Christian Girlfriend. She stood up for herself, even though conventional Christianity vacillates between “be not unequally yoked” and “stay in an abusive relationship because the light of Jesus will shine through you and eventually reach your abusive husband.” Atheist Professor was just a huge jerk (because he's an atheist, duh, and all atheists are bad people whose moral compass doesn't point north), Fresh-Faced Christian Dude couldn't make an argument to save his life, and everything about Muslim girl was just wrong. Everyone in this movie was stereotyped to the EXTREME. As if a lot of Christians don't have misunderstandings about Muslims in the first place, now you add physical abuse and poorly-researched beliefs? And atheists are NOT jerks. I mean, some of them are, like Dawkins, but on the whole, most of the atheists I've met are kind, thoughtful people who are often more accepting of people than a lot of Christians I know. So let that be a lesson!

     So to wrap it all up – don't watch this movie. It was written by a toddler with a crayon. I wasted my time on it so that you wouldn't have to. Instead, go call your grandma or something, she'd love to hear from you.

Fireproof

The basic premise of “Fireproof” is that Kirk Cameron is a firefighter who has a beautiful wife. He’s not a very nice husband, and sometimes he screams at his wife on a daily basis. Naturally, she wants a divorce, because no one should have to put up with that kind of abuse. Kirk Cameron’s dad mails him a book about how to win his wife back, because even though Kirk Cameron is mean to his wife, he wants to keep her in his life…? The movie follows Kirk Cameron as he does what the book says to that he can keep his wife around, probably so he can scream at her more. Errors, suspensions of belief, and commentary are as follows:

1.       Really? Kirk Cameron gets unreasonably mad at Beautiful Wife because she’s too busy seeing to her aging parents to buy a gallon of milk? IT’S CALLED TEAMWORK, KIRK CAMERON, TRY IT!
2.       Yeah, Kirk Cameron, screaming at your wife that she is ungrateful and selfish because she points out your Internet porn habit (an ungrateful and selfish habit), is probably not your best argument. Also, screaming at a weeping woman (especially if she is your wife) is not a game-winning move.
3.       Kirk Cameron and Beautiful Wife let the sun set on their anger, which is NOT the biblical method for handling conflict. But they’re not Christians, so obviously they have no moral baseline.
4.       Hey, Kirk Cameron, your wife won’t respect you if you scream at her on the daily. You want respect? Earn it.
5.       Foolish Teenage Girl, stop screaming for help when the help is already there. Screaming in a crisis never helped everyone, it just makes it harder for everyone else to communicate.
6.       Extremely stilted and inorganic conversation about heaven and hell.
7.       Hey, Kirk Cameron, stop being rude to your mom! Also, way to go, Kirk Cameron’s dad, for never being like, “Hey, son, STOP BEING RUDE TO YOUR MOM, YOU ARE A TERRIBLE SON!” Mens, you gotsta stand up for yo’ wimmins!
8.       Kirk Cameron’s dad – “Hey, Kirk Cameron, hold off on the divorce for 40 days.” Kirk Cameron – “Why?” “BECAUSE 40 DAYS IS BIBLICALLY SIGNIFICANT, YOU UNGRATEFUL KID!”
9.       Beautiful wife meets Dr. Foppish at work, and they flirt and engage in some light eye-sexing. Dr. Foppish’s flirting skills need some work, probably because he is a doctor and went straight from being a bookworm in college so he could score well on his MCAT to being a bookworm in medical school so he could get a high score on his USMLE.
10.   Kirk Cameron’s Wise Black Friend’s weird analogy about marriage and salt-and-pepper shakers also needs some work. Gluing salt-and-pepper shakers together isn’t the solution, and now no one can use them for their intended purpose!
11.   Kirk Cameron runs on the wrong side of the road while jogging. DO YOU WANT TO GET HIT BY A CAR THAT YOU NEVER SAW COMING!?!?
12.   Oh, Kirk Cameron’s Coworker Who is Only Present for Comedic Effect – I noticed you referred to your male coworkers as “ladies.” I see what you did there. By insulting their masculinity, you attempted to assert your own. Clever.
13.   Beautiful Wife turns up her nose at Kirk Cameron’s half-assed gesture of goodwill.  I would, too! If my husband was a complete jerk to me and screamed at me on the daily, I would NOT accepted handouts. Also, Kirk Cameron, when you pour her coffee cup in the sink and then LEAVE IT IN THE SINK FOR HER TO WASH, it is not a gesture of goodwill.
14.   Kirk Cameron and one of his men have a dick-measuring contest. Kirk Cameron wins, of course, because he screams at his wife on the daily.
15.   Kirk Cameron, way to go, breaking your habit of not screaming at your wife on the daily. A whole four days, good for you.
16.   Hey, Kirk Cameron’s Dad, stroking the upright of the cross while Kirk Cameron yells “HOW AM II SUPPOSED TO LOVE SOMEONE WHO REJECTS ME ALL THE TIME!” isn’t very subtle. And it’s really kind of weird.
17.   Gee cameraman, why don’t you zoom in a little closer on that cross, just in case we didn’t already get the extremely obvious reference.
18.   The abruptness of that “Come to Jesus” moment was kind of jarring. I feel like a “come to Jesus” moment should have more of a “Hey, empirically speaking, this is why you need Jesus,” and less of a “CAN’T YOU SEE YOU NEED JESUS?!” repeated over and over. “Um no, because you never explained it to me, you just repeated that phrase over and over?”
19.   Kirk Cameron, if you don’t understand Wise Black Friend’s “brother from another mother, but we got the saaaame father” reference, maybe you should have talked about Christianity a little more with your dad, because that is pretty basic.
20.   Beautiful Wife and Dr. Foppish have some more flirty-flirt eye-sex and Dr. Foppish asks a lot of open-ended questions, which according to Clinical Skills, is a good thing.
21.   I’m not an HVAC technician (and neither are the writers, it seems), but I’m not sure that any house is built such that you can chop a hole through a floor vent DIRECTLY into the crawlspace beneath…
22.   Kirk Cameron, Beautiful Wife, and Dr. Foppish, all in the same room together?!!? Awkwaaaaard!
23.   Ooh, Kirk Cameron’s elderly neighbors are ADOOOOOOORABLE and SO jaded!
24.   Ben used to write me little notes on the same stationary that Dr. Foppish used to write little notes to Beautiful Wife.
25.   Is ANY time a good time to talk to the husband of the woman you’ve been secretly eye-sexing?
26.   Kirk Cameron, just because you’re married to Beautiful Wife doesn’t mean you have a head start in winning her heart. Listening, asking open-ended questions, and not screaming at her on the daily goes a long way with most women.
27.   CHIK-FIL-A PRODUCT PLACEMENT. Wonder how much money was exchanged for that 5 second blurb.
28.   Hey guys, just a little bit of marriage advice from someone who’s been married for 8 weeks and knows what’s up – TALK TO EACH OTHER ABOUT THINGS!!! Your wife shouldn’t find out what you’re doing and why you’re doing it from a classy leather-bound book, she should find it out from YOU.
29.   Oh, you’ve been selfish, Kirk Cameron? You’ve trampled on Beautiful Wife for 8 years? Really? Really. Tell me more. And you’re STILL surprised that your wife isn’t too sure about you, even though you’ve been really nice to her for a MONTH AND A HALF!? EIGHT YEARS IS A LOT LONGER THAN A MONTH AND A HALF, buddy!
30.   Kirk Cameron leads his wife to Jesus, even though I’m not sure he actually knows anything about Christianity. “Love is a Battlefield” plays in the background to gloss over the awkward. 

Here’s the trailer, if anyone is interested. You’ll notice that in the trailer, Kirk Cameron’s daily scream at his wife is conspicuously absent, and it also makes his wife look like she’s the bad guy for wanting out of an abusive relationship, AND makes it look like he sacrificed SO MUCH for her. Um no, Kirk Cameron, you really didn’t. Not at all.

 So, on the whole, the idea of this movie was "Buy your wife some flowers and be nice to her for 40 days, and she'll forget about the last 8 years, when you were a total jerk." I think so, anyway. That's called an abusive relationship, and it'll probably repeat itself once the novelty of being a Christian wears off, and Kirk Cameron will go back to his destructive, wife-abusing ways. See here's the thing - you really need to communicate well in your relationship. Do periodic check-ups, like "Hey honey, do you think we are doing ok? Are there things we could improve upon?" Don't criticize each other in the heat of the moment, do it later, when both of you have had time to calm down. Unless of course, the heat of the moment involves driving head-on into a semi, then maybe you might want to think about mentioning something. 
Also, the whole "people are terrible people with no moral compass until they become Christians" is something I'm probably going to harp on a lot. It is a pretty big pet peeve.

Hope you enjoyed that. Let me know if you have a movie you want me to take a crack at. I don't have anything lined up at the moment, so I'm wide open for suggestions!

Introductions and Preliminary Apologies

        Ok, everyone, first of all, let's get the obvious things out of the way. You're here because you either think my Christian movie reviews (previously done exclusively on Naomi's Facebook wall) are hilarious, or by complete accident. If the first, welcome to my cohesive platform for criticizing mainstream Christian media! And by criticizing, of course, I mean "evaluating critically, using sound biblical teaching and a dose of common sense." I'm really excited to get started watching hyped Christian movies that are just straight-up, hilariously bad. I also plan to watch movies that I think are actually good (or at least, start a healthy conversation about Jesus and God and religion and stuff - media like "Book of Mormon" the musical, "Jesus Christ, Superstar [the '70s version, duh!], and if I can get around to having time to actually read a book, "Lamb: the Gospel of Biff.") Super huge disclaimer here: I am a medical student, and my life is hella busy, so don't think that I'm going to post reviews like every other day. You will be disappointed, and then I'll be sad, because I hate it when people are disappointed in me. I'm thinking like every two weeks, if I stay on top of things.
        Now, on to the people who arrived here by accident, and have never read one of my reviews: this is NOT Plugged In Movie Review. This is NOT where I take a popular Christian film and tell you how good it is and how it will improve your relationship with Jesus. I will probably say something that you find offensive at some point. Before you get angry, sit back and think "Ok, am I offended because she said something that challenges popular conception of Jesus/God/Christianity, or am I offended because what she said was ACTUALLY offensive?" If it's the first, yeah, that's probably going to happen. It's good for you. If you don't like too much boat-rocking, get off the boat. If it's the second, I sincerely apologize in advance. However, I am coming at this project from a certain viewpoint, one that is definitively NOT mainstream Christianity. Things that I will NOT do - 1) Make fun of God/Jesus and 2) Make fun of Christians as a homogenous group. Things I will probably do - 1) make fun of certain portrayals of Jesus/God (especially if it is not biblical, or better yet, lifted verbatim from the gospels) and 2) make fun of Kirk Cameron, because Kirk Cameron. Again, if what I say is offensive to you, stop reading. I don't read Matt Walsh's blog because I think he's kind of a terrible troll. If reading my blog makes you want to punch me in the face, haha, lucky for me, because unless you're one of my classmates, you won't get that opportunity because you don't know where I live. But also, stop reading it.
        Great. Now that I've got all of my apologies and justifications out of the way, ON TO THE MAIN EVENT!!!
        Oh, sorry, one last thing - the title of this blog comes from my good friend Clint Harris, and he said I had to credit him. I think that's just because he likes seeing his name in print, attached to accolades.