Sunday, April 22, 2018

An Absurd and Unworkable Result


In the earlier scripture passage (Acts 16:16-34), we heard how Paul and Silas were thrown in prison as a result of what appears to be a mob mentality. They cast a demon out of a prophesying woman, causing them to be at odds with the surrounding crowd, who then turned on them and demanded that they be thrown in prison. For whatever reason, the town magistrates agreed. Maybe they were new in town, and looking to prove themselves. Maybe they wanted an excuse to put away the men who had been causing such a stir. Maybe they didn’t want a riot. The writer of Acts never specified, so we are left to come up with our own reasons to fit our particular narrative.

Regardless of the exact reason, it does appear that Paul and Silas were jailed as a direct consequence of living out their beliefs. They disturbed the social order, upset the wrong people, and then were beaten and tossed in a dungeon to think about what they’d done. Instead of falling into despondence, however, they sang hymns, subverting the darkness and bringing light to their fellow prisoners. Most of the teaching on this story centers about what happens next – an earthquake, a midraculous freeing of the prisoners, a staying of a sword-holding hand, and the conversion of an entire household. While divine action is always fun to discuss, this week, I’d like to focus on other stories involving men and women jailed as a consequence of living out their beliefs.

In 1918, towards the end of the first World War, Chicago Mennonite John Neufeld received his draft summons. At that time, the Midwestern Mennonites of Kansas and Nebraska were still relatively new to the United States, having only arrived in the 1870s from Russia, where they had been exempt from conscription. The various Mennonite conferences of the time met and declared to the War Department their intention to refuse military service in any form.  The United States had a provision for conscientious objectors, allowing them to serve in uniform in a noncombatant role, but that wasn’t good enough. The War Department, likely a little busy with a world war, decided that Mennonites could refuse service, after which they would be segregated until their cases could be decided. The intention was that the COs would be treated well and their status respected. In many cases, that occurred. In Camp Cody, New Mexico, it did not.

Camp Cody was well-known for a history of abuse and torture of CO conscripts who refused to participate in military exercises. Additionally, unlike many of the Midwestern camps, such as Fort Funston in Kansas, Camp Cody was far away from the Mennonite Meccas of the Midwest and East, making it difficult for customary visits to COs by Mennonite pastors. When Neufeld got off the train in New Mexico, he intended to make his pacifist stance clear to the commanding officer. The officer refused him an audience, and forced him to put on the uniform, drill, and obey commands. Initially, Neufeld refused, but after officers pretended to hang another Mennonite CO, telling him he would experience the same if he continued to disobey, Neufeld agreed to follow orders and participate in drills. He hoped that eventually, the officers would recognize and respect his CO status. Soon, however, it became clear that would not be the case. So Neufeld and another Mennonite decided they would stop obeying any orders from any superior at Camp Cody, starting during drill. Immediately upon disobeying, he was attacked and beaten by officers, then placed under arrest and imprisoned, and put before a military tribunal at Camp Cody, charged with disobeying orders. For his insubordination, tribunal judges sentenced him to 15 years of hard labor at Fort Leavenworth.

While at Fort Leavenworth, his work crew once received orders to report to a work site on a Sunday. Now, I don’t know about your families, but my own parents refused to so much as get gas on a Sunday, because it meant they were causing someone else to have to be at work, and the thought of doing anything other than making a quick meal and napping for the entire Sabbath afternoon was an anathema. Neufeld felt much the same way, and along with 13 other inmates from Leavenworth, he refused to show up for the work detail. Prison guards chained the disobedient men to those who had shown up, and forced them all out to the work site. Neufeld and his men were then chained to posts while the others worked. Within an hour, however, the farm machinery began to break down. Soon, every single machine was broken and unable to be fixed. The inmates couldn’t work, and so the guards had to take them home. Neufeld writes that he believed this was a miracle, that God had broken the machines used to do work on a Sunday to show the guards that the men who honored the Sabbath were in the right.

In January of 1919, the War Department finally began to reverse the sentences of the conscientious objectors incarcerated during the war, including that of John Neufeld. For many, however, it was too late. The Spanish flu, diphtheria, and filthy living conditions already took their toll, and many of the prisoners and COs at Fort Leavenworth and Camp Funston did not survive.

The first World War gave Mennonites and the United States War Department an opportunity to come up with something of a truce – Mennonites and other conscientious objectors would be required to register for the draft, but could register as COs. They were allowed to participate in Civilian Public Service and given assignments of national importance in areas such as land conservation, firefighting, and mental health reform, all without pay, and without support from the federal government. While the United States no longer uses the draft system, and has exceptions for conscientious objectors in place, other countries do not. Israel, in particular, with its 2-year mandatory service in the Israeli Defense Force, has had to deal with many conscientious objectors over the years.

In 2016, two Jewish women, Tamar Alon and Tamar Ze’evi were arrested following their refusal to enlist in the IDF. They cited their objections to the IDF’s activities towards Palestinians in the West Bank, saying that “We will only get out of this cycle of fear and violence when we open our hearts and minds, look at what is happening around us, and allow ourselves to feel the pain suffered by the people who live in this land. Once we all understand and accept this reality, I want to believe empathy, tolerance and compromise will be our only choice.” The two were arrested and imprisoned. They are part of a broader trend of refusal to enlist in the IDF. Typically, this response is met with a prison term of up to a month. At the end of the month, the conscriptee is given a new enlistment date, and an opportunity to accept or refuse. Further refusals lead to further prison terms, the cycle of which is repeated until the IDF grants an official discharge. A year prior to Alon and Ze’evi, Tair Kaminer, another Israeli woman, spent 5 months in military prison, the longest period for a female CO in Israel.

The popular notion of the IDF is that it is “the people’s military,” a melting pot of service to the nation. Men serve 3 years, women, up to 2 years. The enlisted are from all walks of Israeli life, with exceptions for Israeli Arabs, Orthodox women, and those who are physically unable to participate.  The result is a codependent relationship with the Israeli population of the country, and a passive complicity in the havoc wreaked by the IDF upon the Palestinian minority. Conscientious objectors, however, challenge the link between the IDF and Israeli citizens, helping to disassociate the IDF from the people, and thus allowing it to be perceived as an individual organization subject to critique, and less of a citizen-sanctioned necessity.

Statistics from the IDF show that an increasing number of young people are refusing to enlist for military service. More than 25% of men and 43% of women have resisted in recent years. Previously, if a person refused conscription, they would be ostracized from society, but now, it is becoming more popular to resist, and younger generations are feeling less and less like they have to do it. These changing trends and changing expectations pose a direct threat to the legitimacy of the IDF and Israel’s occupation of Palestine, and by extension, delivering a blow to the very foundation of the occupation itself.

In the cases of Ze’evi, Alon, Kaminer, and other COs, refusal to serve due to opposition to the occupation of the West Bank and Gaza is viewed as a political dissent, and an act of civil disobedience. Alon confirmed the political nature of her stance when she declared that “I can’t accept the claim that the oppression of another people, the denial of basic human rights and racism and hatred are necessary for the existence of the state of Israel.” She was eventually released from mandatory service after spending 130 days in military prison. She promised to continue to fight to end the occupation, saying that “the price I paid is small compared to the price millions of Palestinians have been paying for 50 years, whose basic rights are violated on a daily basis and whose freedom has yet to be returned to them like mine was returned to me.”

Recently, another woman, this time in America, was jailed for fighting for human rights. In this case, she was imprisoned for refusing to testify in a death penalty case. Earlier this year, Greta Lindecrantz, a Mennonite and a defense investigator in Colorado, was jailed for contempt of court. She had previously been part of the defense team for Robert Ray, a Black man on death row. While I don’t want to focus overmuch on the reasons behind Ray’s death penalty sentencing, it is worthwhile to point out that Black and Hispanic men are vastly overrepresented on death row in the United States, as well as being the majority in prisons around the country. For more on this subject, “The New Jim Crow” is a great read.

Regardless of how he ended up in his situation, Ray and his current legal team were challenging his death sentence by arguing that he did not have good representation during his first trial. As an investigator associated with his first defense team, Lindecrantz worked as a mitigation specialist, collecting information intended to persuade the jury not to hand down a death sentence. She did not succeed in her endeavor, and at the appeal, was subpoenaed by the prosecution to support their argument that Ray’s defense team had been competent. She was concerned that her testimony could be used to deny the appeal and, in essence, sentence Ray to death again.  Her attorney filed motions to keep her off the stand, but the judge in the case, Judge Michelle Amico, denied all of them, stating that using religious grounds to allow people to refuse to participate in death penalty cases would disrupt the justice system, creating an absurd and unworkable result. That is kind of the point, though, for those opposed to the death penalty.

In the courtroom, Lindecrantz refused to answer questions, citing a religious opposition to the death penalty. She told the judge that she refused to be a cog in the state’s machinery of death, saying “I feel like I was handed a gun and I was told to point it at Mr. Ray, and the gun might or might not have bullets in it, but I’d have to fire it anyway. I can’t shoot the gun. I can’t shoot the gun.” At that point, Judge Amico found her to be in contempt of court and ordered her sent to jail until she complied with the prosecution’s request to testify. There was the possibility that she would remain there for up to 6 months. While in jail, members of Lindecrantz’s church, Beloved Community, visited her and sang hymns outside the courthouse, and the Mountain States conference issued a statement of solidarity in their monthly newsletter. Lindecrantz, her pastor, and her attorney worked together to try to find ways of obeying the law while not compromising her convictions. Their requests were denied by the court.

After 2 weeks in jail, however, Ray’s new defense team made it known to Lindecrantz that her actions could possibly hinder their arguments for appeal. That, and an awareness of the effect of her continued imprisonment on other defense cases assigned to her, persuaded her to testify. A statement from her attorney read that Lindecrantz’s testimony was now considered by Ray’s current counsel to be necessary to secure an appeal that might spare his life. In keeping with her religious beliefs honoring human life, she agreed to speak in court, in hopes that her words might save a man’s life.

We do not know what happened to the woman from whom Paul cast a demon. Maybe she was free of the men who owned her. Maybe not. Maybe she went on to find happiness and live a normal life. Likely not. We are left to entertain ourselves with speculation, as the writer of Acts chooses to focus on the heroics of Paul and Silas and their steadfast commitment to their faith, and the divinely miraculous acts that resulted in the acceptance of Christianity by an entire family.

As with the fate of the woman from whom Paul cast a demon, we do not know what happened with Robert Ray’s case. I spent quite a bit of time trying to find out. It was only a couple of months ago, and the justice system moves slowly, so perhaps nothing has been handed down. We do, however, know what happened to some of the Palestinians against whom Alon, Ze’evi, and Kaminer refused to enlist. On March 30, thousands of Palestinians marched to the border wall in Gaza to call for the right of return for refugees. Despite being an unarmed movement, the Israeli army fired live ammunition, rubber bullets, and tear gas at the crowd, injuring 1,400 and killing 30. The international outcry has been predictable, and likely nothing will be done.

But just like the woman, imprisoned by her demon possession and forced into a life she never thought she’d live, and freed from bondage by divine action from the faithful, perhaps we can be hopeful that there will be change. Like Paul and Silas, singing hymns of praise despite the dark of a dungeon, we can bring light and break chains.

Sunday, March 5, 2017

A Matter of Faith

Honestly, kind of a sweet poster.

          Netflix suggested “A Matter of Faith” (alternate title: “So Much Secondhand Embarrassment,” alternate title: “Too Complex; Therefore, God,” alternate title: I Eyerolled Too Hard And Now My Face Is Stuck Like That”), since I had watched “American Bible Challenge.” Obvs, I didn’t feel like I should anger the Netflix Gods, who bestow "Orange Is The New Black,""Stranger Things" and "Call The Midwife" upon my undeserving self, so now I’m watching it. It’s your standard “Girl goes to Not-Christian College, loses her way because of that dirty seductress, science, and then gains it all back and also gets a Good Christian Guy (TM).” In other news "Call the Midwife" is my new favorite show, and you should all watch it. Set in 1950s England, they have cool skirts, cool accents, and even cooler pathology. 

1.       Little girl starts throwing rocks into a river next to little boy who is also throwing rocks into a river. She finds a fifty-cent piece, but he takes it from her, and she is mad. That’s right, girl, boys are the worst. The sooner you figure that out, the less disappointed you’ll be.
2.       Little girl is now College Girl, and she’s leaving for college. Sad Dad tucks a $50 bill into her Bible for her to find. She won’t, though, because college makes you a godless lefty liberal lesbian as soon as you walk through the door, so she’ll never read her Bible again. Nice use of mirroring as a plot device, though. As an aside, I went to a liberal college, and became a liberal, and then my parents thought I was a lesbian for a few days, and boy, was THAT a fun time. 
3.       College Girl at a dance party acts like me at a dance party. Totally lame, and no fun at all, in other words. And then she goes outside with Sleazy Dude, who is the first random bozo who says she “looks like she needs a friend.” Girl, no. You do not need a friend that bad.
4.       Apparently the college she’s going to is a Not-Christian College. OMG. She is DEFS gonna get turned into a godless lefty liberal lesbian.
5.       College Girl is a biology major, and loves her Derpy Biology Professor, who rambles about the idiotic "chicken vs egg" argument while flopping a rubber chicken around. Not Christian College + Derpy Biology Professor = Godless Evolutionist, always.
6.       College Girl hasn’t found a church yet. Also her dad found the $50 still in her Bible, so obvs she has not been prioritizing her daily Jesus time. Sad Dad is sad, and puts the money back in his pocket, which is what Jesus would have done, I’m sure.
7.       Sad Dad googles Derpy Biology Professor, and zoinks, “he’s an evolutionist, and a big proponent of it.” No shit, Sherlock. It’s kind of hard to be a biology professor without believing and teaching one of the more fundamental tenets of biology.
8.       Sad Dad goes to Sad Pastor and complains about how “’there’s nothing in the course description that even lists biblical creation as a plausible alternative!” Gosh, I wonder why that might be. 
9.       “The war over Genesis is a real battleground.” Wut. As a Biology major AND ALSO a Bible and Religion major, I am uniquely qualified, as one of three such dual-majors in the recent history (25ish years) of my college, to say that YOU CAN DO BOTH AND IT’S FINE. Genesis is figurative, Biology is literal. Easy.
10.   Derpy Biology Professor states that a kid who runs a 4:04 mile could have won the 1894 Olympics by 30 seconds, but now that it’s the present day, he’d lose to about 30 guys, and that’s evolution. No………… it’s not? That’s better training regimens, and better shoes, and better coaching, and better gait analysis or whatever. It’s not evolution. Obviously, Science People did not write this film.
11.   Sad Dad goes to Derpy Biology Professor’s office and STRAIGHT-UP HELICOPTER PARENTS about how he’s concerned she’s being taught evolution and critical thinking, which is apparently contradictory to everything they’ve been teaching her over her lifetime. Also, “it’s against Christianity.” OMG. Jesus never said a damn thing about evolution. On the bright side, if they all focus on evolution, they can't focus on slut-shaming single moms or yanking funding from Planned Parenthood. On the dark side, it's a slippery slope from "evolution is against Christianity" to "women's bodies have a way of shutting that whole thing down."
12.   Trolling epicly, Derpy Biology Professor invites Sad Dad to publicly debate him on Evolution vs. Creationism, because “it’s such a GREAT learning opportunity for these students, and… you DO believe in your viewpoint… DON’T YOU?” College Girl looks like she wants to absolutely die.
13.   Apparently, back in the day, Derpy Biology Professor got a colleague fired because they refused to teach “evolutionary lies” in their class. Um. Ok. I’m sure this will not become a relevant plot point.
14.   Completely irrelevant to the storyline, but Basic Christian Mom is using THE LARGEST POSSIBLE KNIFE to chop carrots.
15.   “God created the chicken first, so it could lay the egg, just like the Bible says! Derpy Biology Professor doesn’t believe in the Bible, so he says the exact opposite! Just tell me – did God create the world, or was it created through evolution?” Um, ok, first of all, that first statement is BAD AND WRONG. Second of all, the second statement creates an either/or dichotomy with which I think a lot of people would be uncomfortable. God and evolution are not two mutually exclusive categories, and it is harmful to both biologists and the religious when it is suggested otherwise. Also, WHY TF ARE WE ALWAYS FOCUSING ON DUMB THINGS LIKE EVOLUTION WHEN “KIM, THERE'S PEOPLE THAT ARE DYYYINGGGG.”
16.   Sad Dad doesn’t think he knows enough about creation vs evolution to be able to debate Derpy Biology Professor. Gee, idk why that might be.
17.   Sad Dad also parked right under the overhang at the entrance of the church when he met Sad Pastor. Like a jerk. That parking spot is for old people or something. You have two legs, use ‘em!
18.   So I didn’t mention it before, because it’s not interesting, but there’s been this whole sub-plot with some Jock-Ass Dude that’s tryna get with College Girl. “She is NOT too religious! Next week, at our flag football game, that’s when I’m gonna make my move. THEN we can see just how religious she is.” OMG SIR YOU ARE A CREEPY RAPEY-SOUNDING DUDE STOP IT NOW. Also, your friends suck, because they didn’t sit you down and say “Bro, make sure you obtain enthusiastic consent before you ‘make your move,’ and make sure that no one is under the influence of any substance, because that negates consent. Also, be aware that if she is under 18 and you are over 18, it is considered statutory rape and you could go on the Sex Offender list.”
19.   Sad Dad goes to visit Wise Black Professor, who is the colleague that Derpy Biology Professor got fired for not teaching “evolutionary lies.” He refuses to help Sad Dad, and turns into another common media trope of the Angry Black Man. Sad Dad tries to convince him, by insinuating that he’s a bad Christian for refusing to help, which I’m sure really is a slam-dunk of an argument.
20.   Some Dumb Kid tries to embarrass College Girl for Sad Dad’s debate with Derpy College Professor, and then Good Christian Guy (TM) (who, with the exception of a chinstrap, looks and acts like a good friend I had in high school, who was also a Good Christian Guy (TM)) sails in to save the damsel in distress - “Does your mom look like an ape? No? How about your grandmother? What about your great-grandmother, did she look like an ape? So if Derpy Biology Professor says we all come from apes, who in your family was the ape? Apes come from apes, and humans come from humans.” OHHHHH MYYYYYY GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDD WHO WROTE THIS SCRIPTTTTTTTTT I AM DYYYYYYYYING OF SECONDHAND EMBARRASSMENT. Worst part is, Some Dumb Kid just accepts that this is totally sound logic, and walks away, defeated, while Good Christian Guy (TM) smirks self-righteously. Honestly, what are they teaching kids in college, anymore?
21.   Jock-Ass Dude’s Dumb Friends casually advocate rape culture while within hearing distance of Good Christian Guy (TM), who frowns and looks troubled, and then goes to talk to College Girl and tells her that “Derpy Biology Professor pushes his evolution agenda to get kids to doubt their faith and the Bible.” Bro, ok, you can believe in evolution and also Jesus, ok? Good Christian Guy (TM) does eventually warn her about Jock-Ass Dude’s casual rape-comments, which is good, and meritorious.
22.   Why are there TWO posters of the periodic table in the biology classroom? One isn’t enough?
23.   And suddenly College Girl has changed her tune, dumped Jock-Ass Dude, and is super happy that her dad is gonna debate creationism and evolution. Awful quick transition, but whatever makes you happy, girl.
24.   Sad Dad starts out by saying that the theory of evolution can’t be REAL science, because science deals with stuff that can be directly observed. OMG. Literally just slammed my head into a wall.
25.   Derpy Biology Professor is smirking like a cat eyeballing a really slow and fat canary. Sad Dad is gonna get eaten for breakfast. Heck, *I* could eat Sad Dad for breakfast, and I’m not a Ph.D.
26.   STOP CALLING THEM EVOLUTIONISTS, THEY’RE CALLED “SCIENTISTS”
27.   “Evolutionary worldview is clearly as much of a religion as any theistic worldview. Not only does evolution a direct attack against the first words of the Bible “in the beginning, God created…” but it also directly undermines the authority of God.” Ok. Bro. Slow your roll. Not everyone believes what you believe, and that is JUST FINE.
28.   Derpy Biology Professor says “well done!” but it wasn’t. It was actually really, really terrible.
29.   Ok, Derpy Biology Professor, this is so easy, but you’re somehow doing a terrible job. Lemme step in here – when you argue with people of faith, stick to arguing facts. Don’t try to run down their faith. It just makes them really defensive, because you’re attacking a core part of their identity. And then nothing is ever solved. Argue facts, because facts can’t be disputed. And DON’T, for the LOVE OF GOD, call faith “wishful thinking.” Bro. You’re looking like a huge douche right now, and this is why Christians get mad at biologists.
30.   Derpy Biology Professor, when asked by Sad Dad to “explain away God,” goes on a whole rant about how man created God because man felt alone, and scared, and defenseless, and wanted to believe that something bigger than himself could save him. It is certainly a compelling argument, and I’m not going to disagree with that particular interpretation.
31.   Now they’re arguing about an afterlife, and I’m sorry, but how is this relevant?
32.   Sad Dad is getting eaten for breakfast, when SUDDENLY, ANGRY BLACK PROFESSOR SHOWS UP OMG PLOT TWIST
33.   Wise Black Professor taps in and Sad Dad taps out, because honestly, he was hardcore losing.
34.   Derpy Biology Professor doesn’t see anything worth refuting in Wise Black Professor’s 10-minute preach about Jesus and evolution. C’mon, bro, a child could do this. You’re an embarrassment to the Wizarding world.
35.   College Girl and Good Christian Boy (TM) go to the same place where she picked up a fifty-cent piece, at the beginning of the movie and re-enact it, and College Girl has no freaking idea what he’s talking about. OMGGGGGGGGG GOOD CHRISTIAN BOY (TM) WAS THE TERRIBLE LITTLE BOY AND BECAUSE HE WAS SUCH A LITTLE DIRTBAG, HE WAS CONVICTED BY FAITH AND HIS DAD LED HIM TO JESUS OMGGGGGGGGGG PLOT TWISTTTTTTTT. They most certainly dated for the rest of college, then promptly married the weekend after graduation and started boinking immediately, and then had about 5 children in 6 years. WHICH IS FINE, if that's your thing. 

          Ugh, thank goodness it’s over. Honestly, these dumb movies about how evolution is Satan’s theology are all just so dumb. And all their arguments are the same – carbon dating! you can’t see it, how do you know?! god is dead, and faith is stupid! and it just makes everyone look dumb, all around. Also, all of these movies about how Good Christian Girl goes off to Not-Christian College and becomes Leftist Liberal Lezzie, because elitist liberals or some nonsense, it’s just really frustrating. When did intellectualism become a bad thing, anyway? When did it become the enemy of religion? The number of times, when I was at Bethel, that I’d say “Oh, I’m a dual Biology/Bible major,” and people would be like “WHOA JUMP BACK, ISN’T YOUR SOUL BEING TORN IN TWO, LIKE VOLDEMORT?!?!?!” was just ridiculous. And it was always from religious people, never the sciencey people. And I just don’t know why that is. Sure, science is hard to understand, if you’re on the outside looking in. And religion is hard to understand, too, especially if you weren’t raised that way. Both of them are “belief in things unseen,” in a way, and honestly, could stand to learn a lot from each other.
          Also, WHY ARE WE FOCUSING ON STUPID THINGS LIKE EVOLUTION WHEN LIKE, PEOPLE ARE ACTUALLY LEGITIMATELY DYING OF HUNGER IN AFRICA AND ALSO THE UNITED STATES. It’s just the stupidest thing to argue about. Probably, we do it because it is an easy distractor, and it's easier to latch on to attacking each other's interpretations of abstract thought than go out and get our hands dirty with doing actual work.


Sunday, February 12, 2017

The Rest of the Story


Usually this is a movie-review blog. However, I preached a sermon today, and people wanted to see what it was, and since I have no other platform by which to share large blocks of texts, since Facebook notes have fallen from favor, here we are:

One of my favorite ways to pass the time while driving to and from work at various far-flung doctor’s offices is to read the marquee signs put up outside churches. Most of them list the times of their Sunday School and worship services, others offer a nice “Jesus Loves You” or “Have a Blessed New Year.” But OTHERS give their opinions on the political or cultural topic of the hour. Some of my “favorites” have been “Stand for the national anthem” during Colin Kaepernik’s protest, “X belongs in Texas not Christmas,” and on a particularly warm August day, “Oh, so you think it’s hot HERE?” However, my #1 personal favorite has to be “Which lives matter? Jesus answered by dying for all,” because much like a tweet, conveying a brief yet catchy sentiment often sacrifices volumes of relevant backstory, a phenomenon I like to call “Well, yes, but…”
In this particular case, according to the beliefs of conventional Christianity, Jesus’s intent was to die as the ultimate sacrifice to God, assuming the weight of all of humanity’s collective sins, and negating the ritual animal sacrifices made by the Jews as penance for their sins. The focus on Jesus’s death and eventual resurrection is undoubtedly important – without the bold proclamations of the resurrection story and the hope it gave to his followers, it seems unlikely that the impact of his radical message would have survived long enough to assemble new leaders and grow to be an entirely new religion.
However, the often laserlike focus on Jesus’s death as the end-all-be-all of his story negates the times when, throughout the gospels, he singled out marginalized demographics as mattering in particular, which is the backstory that the church marquee sacrificed for the sake of brevity. It is important to realize, in this era of increasing political discord, that while, according to our beliefs, Jesus was a savior to all, he was also a savior to ALL, equally, without prejudice.
During the course of his ministry, Jesus healed unclean lepers, defended and elevated women, elevated the reviled Samaritans over religious leaders of the day, and used shepherds, children, and the poor as subjects of his parables and teachings. There are dozens of examples, but I’m going to highlight 3 in particular, as examples of times when Jesus might have said something like “Samaritan lives matter,” or “women’s lives matter,” or “the lives of lepers and those with chronic illnesses matter” rather than the conventional wisdom of the day, which was “male Jewish lives matter.”
During the early first century, tensions between Samaritans and Jews were high. The first-century historian Josephus indicates that during Jesus’s life, the Jews destroyed a Samaritan temple, and a few years later, the Samaritans retaliated by destroying a synagogue. Combined with the Jews looking down on the Samaritans for being what they termed a “mixed-race people,” and it’s fairly easy to see why the two groups were not on good terms. However, Samaritans are the group that Jesus uses to illustrate one of his best-known stories – a story about a man left for dead on the side of the road, who was passed over by a priest and a Levite. The book of Leviticus and the Jewish Talmud both contain laws regarding cleanliness and dead bodies. More specifically, they state that a dead body is considered unclean, and that anyone who comes into contact with the body is similarly unclean, for an entire month, which would be really inconvenient, if one’s primary job were working in the temple. So it may be that the priest and the Levite were avoiding the man because they didn’t want to become unclean – they were following the religious law of the time, and for them, the hassle of potentially becoming unclean while checking to see if the man was dead or alive outweighed their need to know if the man was actually dead or alive. The Samaritan, however, had no such law, but was also a member of a racial group that was oppressed by the Jews, so seeing a mostly-dead Jew by the side of the road might not necessarily raise a whole lot of concern.
However, Jesus says, the man was overwhelmed with pity. He bandaged up the man’s wounds, loaded him up on his donkey, and we all know the rest of the story. Jesus could have used a regular garden-variety Jewish laborer, or someone else that wasn’t part of the religious elite to illustrate his disgust with the dispassionate and overly-pious religious leaders. But he didn’t. He took the culturally-unusual step of holding up a Samaritan’s example as one to be emulated – after all, they were considered to be of a different, lesser race than the Jews, with different customs, who were largely reviled by the majority-Jewish citizenry. Jesus, through his parable, reached out to an oppressed minority, and elevated them above the religious leaders and teachers of the day. In doing so, he implicitly states that “hey, Samaritan lives matter.”
In several instances in the Bible, Jesus uses lepers to make a point. Lepers, in that time, were considered unclean, and their disease was been seen as an outward manifestation of inward sinfulness. Lepers were often grotesquely disfigured due to leprosy’s penchant for causing pigmented lesions all over the body, as well as sensory loss of peripheral nerves, meaning that a sore on fingers or toes might not be noticed for days, until it had become infected and gangrenous, and then eventually fall off. In addition, leprosy was a chronic disease – a death sentence in those days. According to Levitical and Talmudic law, they had to live away from the rest of society, and were not allowed to approach or touch others, out of fear of contagion. The book of Matthew, in chapter 8, tells a very brief 4-verse story of a leper approaching Jesus to ask for healing. According to Matthew, Jesus met with the leper, and then broke the religious laws when he touched him and cured him of his leprosy. Most times, when this story is told, it centers on the compassion Jesus had for the man, and “oh, wasn’t that a nice thing that he did.” But it misses the point that Jesus intentionally broke the law by touching the man to heal him. In this case, he chose to depart from the traditional approach to lepers, which was to stay as far away as possible. Instead, he reached out in an act of defiance and protest and subversion of the law and said “Hey, your life matters, too.”
Jesus was also a feminist in his time. Sure, he walked all over Palestine with 12 men, but that’s according to the gospels, written by men, and the apostles, all of whom were men. Reading between the lines, however, one can see several instances in which Jesus said “You know what, women’s lives matter.” He uses women to illustrate many of his parables and teachings – The parables of the persistent widow, the lost coin, the ten virgins, and the metaphor of the childbearing woman are all used to illustrate his various teachings. All of these stories portray women in a positive light, which was unusual compared to teachings by other rabbis and religious leaders of the same time. In addition, there are no recorded instances in the gospels where Jesus personally belittled, disgraces, or stereotypes a woman, or encourages another to do so on his behalf - an action that, again, was out-of-character for rabbis and religious leaders of the time.
The Samaritan woman at the well is a great example of Jesus ignoring the social conventions of the time in order to reach out and elevate a person of the opposite gender and nationality. In this story, Jesus approaches a Samaritan woman while she is drawing up water from a well, and asks her for a drink. She expresses surprise that he, a Jewish man, would first of all talk to her, a Samaritan woman, and second of all ask for a drink of water from her bucket, which, according to Levitical laws, was ritually unclean. He then goes on to introduce a teaching metaphor for the well water as representative of the eternal life that could be had by following him as the Messiah, and encourages her to recruit more followers for him. Normally, in that time, a man would not openly discuss theology with a woman, and it was even more unconventional that a rabbi was discussing theology with a woman. In addition, the woman was also a Samaritan, a nationality of people who, as previously stated, were looked upon unfavorably by the Jews. She was ALSO a woman who had been married and divorced five times, and was living with a sixth man to whom she was not married. The book of John indicates that Jesus knew all of this when he approached her, and yet he did it anyway, a move that was incredibly unconventional for a male Jewish rabbi, as evidenced by the reactions of the disciples, who are described as “shocked, or surprised.”
However, Jesus went even further than openly discussing theology with a female and a non-Jew. In in chapter 4 verse 6, he says “Those who drink of the water that I will give them will never be thirsty. The water that I give them will become in them a spring of water gushing up to eternal life,” and with this statement, offers Jewish salvation to a Gentile woman. The woman then goes to her town and recruits more followers – becoming the first evangelist mentioned in John’s gospel. This was an unprecedented event. The idea that a woman, who had been married and divorced five times, and was a Samaritan, would become a disciple of Christ, and an evangelist was simply unheard-of. Jesus, however, saw the multitude of ways in which this woman was oppressed. He also saw her potential, and rather than telling a man to go be an evangelist, as would have been the accepted action of the day, said “you know what, women’s lives matter - it’s time to let a woman lead the way.”
So in this time of women being told to sit down and be quiet, of minorities being unconstitutionally deported back to their countries of origin, of walls, and executive orders, healthcare reform, and tweets, ask yourself - whose lives matter? Jesus answered by reaching out and lifting up those who were oppressed and discriminated against, and only then, did he die for all. And that, in the words of the late, great Paul Harvey, is the rest of the story.

Saturday, December 31, 2016

Witness




“Witness” (Alternate title - "Amlet Goes To The City", alternate title - "Guns And Englischers Are Dangerous And Here's Why," alternate Title - "The Amish Don't Need Your Englischer Punches") is a movie with Harrison Ford I’ve never even heard of, until a friend told me about the plotline. We were both sort of inebriated in a bar, yelling over the music about the finer points of Amish vs. Mennonite, and about the threshing stones used by my ancestors to harvest wheat, and along came the plotline:

Movie Snob - “Yeah, so ‘Witness’ is about an Amish kid that goes to Philadelphia with his parents and sees a murder in a train station bathroom…”
Me - “OMG DID HE GO TO READING TERMINAL?!?! There are so many Amish there! I saw them in the bathroom! The girls wear straight pins to close their dresses, because buttons are of the devil!”
Movie Snob - “What? No, not Reading Terminal. Like, an ACTUAL train sta-“
Me - “READING TERMINAL USED TO BE A TRAIN STATION, MAYBE THIS MOVIE WAS MADE BEFORE IT WAS A HIPSTER PARADISE!”
Movie Snob - “No, NOT Reading Terminal! Just like, a regular ol’ train station! Anyway, this Amish kid, this Am-let, if you will-“
Me - <collapses forward onto table in helpless laughter because let’s face it, “Amlet” is a great name for an Amish kid, and imma call him Amlet from here on out>
Movie Snob - “-this Amlet sees a guy get murdered in a train station, and he’s the only witness. Like the title. So then Harrison Ford is on the police force, and he dresses like an Amish to protect this kid-“
Me - “OH, LIKE THE AMISH IN THEIR INSULAR COMMUNITY *TOTALLY* WOULDN’T NOTICE THIS STRANGER DRESSED LIKE THEM WHO DIDN’T SPEAK PENNSYLVANIA DUTCH.”
Movie Snob - “Whatever. Anyway, he goes to protect this kid, because people want to kill him, and they try, but Harrison Ford PUNCHES THEM-“
Me - “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO AMISH WOULD NOT BE COOL WITH THAT! "VENGEANCE IS MINE, SAITH THE LORD!!!!!"

I don’t remember what happened after this point. Not because I was soused or anything, it just was a lot less interesting.
Anyway, that is apparently the basic plot of “Witness.” So now I gotta watch it, because according to him, it’s AWESOME, and the BEST MOVIE EVER; but according to me, it sounds like it’ll be riddled with inaccuracies.

1.       The movie opens with a bunch of Amish walking to church. I’ll have you all know that a lot of the “Amish” actors in this film are actually Mennonite. I’ll ALSO have you know that Amish church services are BRUTAL. I went, once, as part of my “Mennonite Life, History and Thought” class, and while it was soooooo interesting, like SO INTERESTING, it was also 3 hours of sitting on a backless wooden bench in a dark basement room lit by kerosene lanterns, listening to a man speak in Pennsylvania Dutch, which I don’t speak, and of which my High German-speaking professor only understood about 50%. The dinner afterwards, however, was FANTASTIC. We had arrived on a day when there were visitors from Indiana, and speaking with them was very interesting. The Amish are actually very well-traveled.
2.       OMG DID I JUST SEE BUTTONS ON LITTLE AMLET’S SLEEVE CUFFS?!?!?! I BETTER NOT HAVE! As previously mentioned, buttons are too modern and “too English” EDIT - apparently it is ok for men to wear buttons on their shirts, but not women. Because of course. 
3.       Wow, they just slit that dude’s throat, and there was absolutely no blood spray anywhere? That’s just anatomically inaccurate. At my school, we have this Ukranian urologist who is our Anatomy professor, and he has SEEN SOME SHIT, back in his days in the army in the Ukraine. He told us how, if we are in a knife fight, to know whether we have severed our carotids or our jugular (pronounced “joooogalur”). If you’ve sliced your carotids, the blood will be spraying everywhere, and it’s all over. But if it’s just your joooogalur, the blood will just sort of fall out, and you can shrug your shoulders to prevent major blood loss and (ostensibly) still win the knife fight.
4.       Wow, so they take the little Amlet and his mom to a real sketch location to meet a suspect? And then leave them in the car to go into the sketchy bar, grab the suspect who is just a random-ass black man (hello racial profiling), and slam him up against the kid’s window for identification? I mean, wow, the 80s were just such a different time, I guess.
5.       Officer Captain Hot Stuff stuffs a hotdog in his mouth and takes a bite, then sits there awkwardly not chewing until Amlet and his mom are done praying, and I just feel like that’s how all non-religious people feel when everyone else is praying.
6.       Wow they’re all using typewriters to do their police reports. I mean, I learned to type on a typewriter that my dad brought home from work, but gosh, the 80s were just such a wasteland.
7.       OMG THE MURDERER IS A COP OMG AND HE SUPPRESSED EVIDENCE FROM A NARC RAID OMG. Just like my fave show “Gotham,” all the cops are corrupt except one.
8.       OMG MURDER COP JUMPED OFFICER CAPTAIN HOT STUFF AND SHOT HIM AND NOW HE’S BLEEDING OMG THEY HAVE TO GET THE AMLET AND HIS MOM OUT OF PHILADELPHIA OMG THE BACKGROUND MUSIC IS SO INTENSE RN SO MANY LASER SOUNDS
9.       OMG OFFICER CAPTAIN HOT STUFF PASSED OUT FROM HIS BLEEDING STOMACH WOUND AND CRASHED INTO A PURPLE MARTIN HOUSE AND NOW THOSE POOR BIRDS WILL HAVE NOWHERE TO LIVE!!!!!! “Foxes have holes, and birds of the air have nests, but the son of Man has no place to lay his head.” Welp, Jesus and purple martins are on the same footing, now, I guess. In related news, purple martins are the only birds that rely on manmade housing - like, they literally do not build their own nests. Back in the day, Native Americans used gourds to lure them to their campsites to eat bugs or whatever, and the birds got used to this lush lifestyle, and now are mostly totally dependent on humans for their tenement-style nesting boxes, with some exceptions for the occasional hole in a cactus or a dead tree or what-have-you.
10.    “Is the English dead? He looks dead.” I’m gonna end up loving this Opa. In other news, Amish call their grandfathers “Dawdi,” and not the word used in the film, which is “Opa,” the High German for Grandfather.
11.    Officer Captain Hot Stuff's stomach wound is in the coronal plane across his abdomen. There is a distinct entry and exit wound, both of which are perfectly circular, meaning that EITHER Officer Captain Hot Stuff has the most bulging-est abs of anyone, ever, OR the bullet entered the right side of his abdomen, and then once inside, pulled a sharp left and exited to stage left, perpendicular to the skin. Also, the "doctor" that Opa Dawdi called gives him a tea and tells him to drink it, and I'm sure that'll help. In other news, the Amish are SUPER taken with chiropractors and other alternative-type medicine, which is interesting. 
12.    Haha, Murder Cop and the Gotham PD are tryna find Amlet and his mom – “There must be a registry of these people, right? Like a Muslim registry, except Amish? I mean, Donald Trump called for a wall to keep out the Mennonites, stands to reason he'd want to register the Amish, right?” “Oh, sure, voter registries, tax records, definitely!” Except the Amish don’t pay taxes, and by-and-large don’t vote, soooooooooo… “Ok, well, maybe you could do some telephoning?” Good luck with that. The Amish have telephones, because what if, God forbid, they need emergency services or something. But the telephones have to be out in a field or a barn or something, and there’s typically only one or two per community. Or they use the phones at their Mennonite neighbor’s houses. Point is, they wouldn’t answer the phone.
13.    Officer Captain Hot Stuff lets Amlet play with his gun, and that is just NOT going to go over well AT ALL. It IS, however, a really great segue into Opa Dawdi’s discussion of Anabaptist pacifism with Amlet and also the wider viewing audience, and I really appreciate that.
14.    Opa Dawdi puts Officer Captain Hot Stuff to work, because far be it from the Amish to pass up free labor. He tries to milk a cow, but can’t, because of course not. It’s actually really hard, if you’ve never done it. My grandma used to milk a couple cows every day when I was a kid, and she used to let me try, and I could never do it, because 1) I was like, 7, and my hands were not strong, and 2) it actually requires quite a bit of coordination.
15.    Officer Captain Hot Stuff tries to make a pop culture reference at supper, and the Amish stared at him like I stare at people when they try to make a pop culture reference at me.
16.    Uh wow, so Amlet’s mom is dancing around a barn with Officer Captain Hot Stuff to an oldies song, and is NOT wearing her covering. HER HAIR IS JUST ALL UNCOVERED, IN THE PRESENCE OF A MAN WHO IS NOT HER HUSBAND, WHAT THE HELL!?! It’s not like she just took it off, or anything, it wasn’t there to begin with! There is just so much wrong with that. She’s NOT WEARING HER COVERING, YOU GUYS THAT WOULD *NOT* HAPPEN. Amish women (and some conservative Mennonite women) are basically Anabaptist hijabis.
17.    Omg wow that is not how shunning works. I mean, yeah, you can’t eat at the same table or touch them, or worship with them, but you can’t just SHUN someone, just like that. There has to be this whole thing of warning them not to, and then having them persist in the face of that warning, and THEN you can be shunned. Also, when a person is shunned, they literally just pull up a card table next to the table, so they’re not TECHNICALLY eating at the same table. They are sneaky.
18.    Gotham PD – “we’re like the Amish. We’re a cult!” OMG THE AMISH ARE NOT A CULT.
19.    OMG BARNRAISING! Honestly, barnraisings always look like such a great time, mostly because I just freaking love it when communities are like “YOU NEED HELP WE WILL BE THERE WITH HELP BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU AND YOU NEED HELP AND WE CAN HELP YOU.” Case in point – when people from our Raleigh church move, they just send out an email being like “Heyyyy, gonna be loading up all our crap on thus-and-such day, give me a hand?” and then like 12 people with moving blankets and trucks and trailers and work gloves all show up and help them move all their crap from their old house to their new house, and it is just so great, and I love it.
20.    Officer Captain Hot Stuff may (supposedly) be a great carpenter, but I literally just saw him trying to swing a hammer by holding it right behind the head. WRONG. I used to do that, when I was a kid, and couldn’t control a heavy hammer, and Dad would always tell me to hold it by the end, because then I had more leverage. But then when I did that, I didn’t have as much control, and I hit the hand holding the nail. Or I hit my sister's hand, if I managed to persuade her to hold the nail while I hit it. But any adult who is supposedly good at carpentry should be able to swing a hammer like a not-moron.
21.    OMG QUILTING BEE!!! We had a quilting frame at my Mennonite church in San Francisco, and we’d set it up every so often and work around it and talk for a few hours after the service or at retreat or something. I loved it.
22.    Oh, Amish nip slip, that’s unexpected.
23.    Oh, full-frontal Amish nudity, ok, maybe close the door while you’re bathing, if you have an Englischer man staying at your house? Or just in general? Far be it from me to critique any woman's expression of her own sexuality, but idk, this just seems gratuitous.
24.    “Amlet’s Mom, if we’d made love last night, I’d have to stay. Or you’d have to leave.” Um, no, probably you’d both have to leave, because having out-of-wedlock sex with a nonreligious Englischer is deeeeeeefinitely up there on the list of “Things That Are Bad To Do.”
25.    And then homeboy Captain Officer Hot Stuff goes and straight-up PUNCHES a dude for smearing ice cream on an Amishman’s face and razzing a family. Ok. That is an overreaction. People have done far worse to the Anabaptists, and we’ve still managed to prevail without punching. Also, the ice cream-faced Amishman is apparently Viggo Mortensen, and I just find that really funny. Also, who the crap puts ice cream on someone else's face?! ICE CREAM IS DELICIOUS, and putting it anywhere other than your mouth is just a damn waste.
26.    Aww, Captain Officer Hot Stuff fixed the purple martin house! But he stuck it in the ground so it’s crooked as a dog’s hind leg, so…
27.    OMG THE GOTHAM PD IS STRAIGHT-UP WALKING INTO AMISH COUNTRY WHILE HOLDING LONG GUNS. Yeah, I can’t imagine that’s going to go well at all.
28.    Aaaaaand then Captain Officer Hot Stuff suffocates a member of the Gotham PD under several tons of corn in a silo. And that is a completely reasonable way to die on a farm. The number of times our FFA “Farm Safety Day” addressed the dangers of aerosolized grain dust as a catalyst for elevator fires, or how not to play in a gravity box because if someone opened the hatch, literally you would absolutely die is like, a LOT. The gravity box thing happens to kids all the time. 100% accurate.
29.    OMG BRAH, DO *NOT* FIRE YOUR GUN INTO A SILO FULL OF RECENTLY-LIBERATED GRAIN, YOU COULD *ABSOLUTELY* START A RAGING FIRE.
30.    All the Amish come running to bear witness to exactly why guns and Englischers are bad, and probably Amlet’s Mom gets PTSD from having a gun pointed at her head while two Englischers yell profanities about guns and yank her son back and forth between them, all while holding guns and yelling.
31.    Officer Captain Hot Stuff and Amlet’s Mom stare at each other longingly, but ultimately go their separate ways, because love between an Amish and an Englischer technically would work, but would be very difficult, and would lead to a lot of family- and community-themed heartbreak.

In short, meh. I guess it’s a good movie, if you’re not into critiquing the finer points of Amish portrayal in the media? They did a pretty good job portraying the Anabaptist penchant for community, nonviolence, and turning the other cheek, but THE LACK OF COVERINGS, OMG! Also, apparently they spoke High German throughout the entire production. Not Pennsylvania Dutch. If you’re gonna do Amish, you gotta do it right, and they were like, 60% there. Really could have used a few more expert opinions from the Mennonites or something.

The 80s space-music was pretty bangin’ tho. 


Sunday, December 11, 2016

Kirk Cameron's "Saving Christmas"



          According to the trailer, “Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas” is about Kirk Cameron helping his unironically-named brother-in-law Christian (definitely not a “Pilgrim’s Progress”-type metaphor at all) rediscover the true meaning of Christmas. The trailer starts off with a bang – “I’m setting out to recover the TRUE meaning of Christmas, not this “Happy Holidays” nonsense!” which is funny because it tends to be the same kind of people that whine about how Christian Holidays Matter, but can’t understand why Black Lives Matter is not racist.  All Winter Holidays Matter, yo. The movie looks ludicrously bad, and it IS ludicrously bad – it received an actual 0% on Rotten Tomatoes, causing Kirk Cameron to beg his 17 fans to leave positive reviews, to “tell Rotten Tomatoes that WE decide what media is good and what is bad!” Hilariously, his dumb plan backfired when godless atheists stormed Rotten Tomatoes to further drag his film.

          Normally, I wouldn’t even bother watching a film that is so ludicrously bad. But I truly dislike Kirk Cameron and everything that he stands for, and I truly enjoy hate-watching things, mostly because it allows me to feel morally superior, and I love feeling that way. So here we go:

1.       Starting off with Kirk Cameron sitting in his color-coordinated living room with perfectly matching stockings on the mantel telling us about everything he loves about Christmas. “There’s something about Christmas that makes people more kind, that makes them bring people out of the cold – help them, feed them, clothe them.” Ok, but if you’re only doing that at Christmas, and not at other times of the year, you’re not actually that great of a person. Also – color-coordinated living rooms with perfectly matching stockings is just so bland-ola. Stockings should be made with love by your grandmother or something, not purchased at a store. Also, color-coordination is boring – the best Christmas trees are filled with ornaments that tell a story (“I got this one at this place, or this person gave me this at this occasion”). And when you decorate a tree, you can't have any particular idea in mind - you just open up all your boxes of ornaments, and start putting them on the tree, and when the boxes are empty, that's when you're done decorating. One year, my sisters and I DID actually impose a rule of "no paper ornaments" because we had a bunch of toilet paper tube nativities from like, a program at the library or something, because we were like, 7, and we thought we were too cool for such childish things. 
2.       “There’s a group of people out there that says ‘Christmas is fine, whatever, you do your thing, and sing your hymns, whatever, but just keep it to ya damn self, and don’t let it spill out into the public sphere.’” He’s talking about atheists, who are sinkholes of happiness and good cheer, and who are categorically incapable of having a good time during the holiday season due to their constant Satan-frowns. Or actually, maybe Jews, or Muslims, who also have winter holidays, and are probably sort of annoyed when everyone brays “MERRY CHRISTMAS” every time they try to legitimately wish someone an all-inclusive, wintertime greeting.
3.       Oh god it’s sponsored by Liberty University. What else could you possibly need to know about the awfulness of this film? Oh, if you needed another reason to despise it, the opening credits are kicky drum-solos of popular Christmas hymns. Yuck. Christmas hymns are the best, and so much better than the "Alvin and the Chipmunks Do Christmas Carols" that have been piped through my doc's office this past week. And now they ruined them.
4.       Unironically-Named Caricature hates Christmas because it represents fakeness and greed and consumerism and poor stewardship and pagan symbols. Honestly, bro, I feel ya. Except for the paganism thing, whatever, I don’t care.
5.       Unironically-Named Caricature just needs to go introvert in his car for awhile, because noisy, busy, parties full of people can be overwhelming for us introverts. Naturally, Kirk Cameron doesn’t understand that someone might have a different way of doing things than he does, so he goes out to invade someone else’s introvert-space, because Kirk Cameron, and also #Rude.
6.       Unironically-Named Caricature is mad because he buys his nieces and nephews gifts that they play with for 3 weeks, and “how many kids could we have fed, and how many wells could we have dug?” Right on, my man.
7.       Oh, Unironically-Named Caricature is “all wrong, about everything, and drank the Christmas Kool-aid?” Really, Kirk Cameron, canNOT wait to hear this one, mostly because no one serves Kool-aid at Christmas; that is just disgusting.
8.        “If you had to pick one most precious decoration, out of all the decorations in your house, I bet it would be your nativity set.” I was going to write a scathing response about how that’s not true, but I forgot that my parents had a tradition of giving us a new Christmas ornament every year growing up, for our future tree, once we moved out; and our very first ornament was a little nativity set. Mine is cheap and plastic, with silver glitter on the roof, but I guess if I had to choose an ornament, it would probably be that one, because I am a sucker for sentimental value. Either that or the porcelain angel ornament that my kindergarten teacher's aide gave all of us. I dropped her a lot when I was a kid, and her wings are a mess of JB Weld and Krazy Glue.
9.        “The nativity is important because of the baby. And the baby is important because of the story he enters into.” What’s that story? The systemic persecution of a people group by a majority people group, and the eventual rise of a messiah figure that gave hope to the masses and inspired social revolutions for thousands of years later? That story, right?
10.   Not that story, apparently. Must be a different Jesus.
11.   Omg did he just say that Jesus was born at a time when boy babies were killed for being boy babies? He did. That didn’t happen until Jesus was at least 2 years old, get your story straight, Kirk Cameron, gosh, you can’t just start throwing Wise Men and shepherds and Mary and Joseph and Jesus and Herod’s soldiers all in the same timeline, it literally just did not happen.
12.   Caricatured Black Characters start spittin’ rhymes about Christmas and how they’re so oppressed for being forced to say “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas” and I just feel like Caricatured Black Characters are just here to provide comic relief, because basically all Black characters, especially in Bad Christian Media fall into either “Wise Black Man/Woman” or “Comic Relief.”
13.   Unironically-Named Caricature hates Christmas trees because they are a “pagan-idol-symbol-worshipping-thing,” and Christmas trees are the best, and they smell so great, especially if you chop them down from your neighbor’s pasture with your dad, so just shut up. On a side note, this one time, my dad was on a work trip for John Deere or something, and it was a week before Christmas, and we needed a tree. So Mom crammed us all into our hand-me-down snow gear from our cousins, and we grabbed a hacksaw and our Flyer sled and headed to our windbreak, where several juniper trees had been planted for the express purpose of being cut down later, after the slower-growing trees had filled in. I was like, maybe 12, and my sisters were 10 and 7 or so, idk. Young’uns. We found a tree, and my middle sister went to town on it with the hacksaw, like a champ. We got it cut down, and loaded it onto the sled, on the assumption that it would be easier to drag through the pasture. It wasn’t, because it was windy as all hell, because #Kansas, and the stupid tree kept blowing off the sled. So we each stood on one side of it to stabilize, and Mom pulled the sled, and we managed to drag the dumb thing through about a foot of snow and prairie grass, back to the porch to wait until Dad got home that night. We decided to stand it up in an ice cream bucket of water so it wouldn’t get thirsty. I believe this was my bright idea. Well, long story shorter, it was windy, the tree blew over, the ice cream bucket full of water blew over, and the tree froze to the floor of our porch and we had to individually cut each branch free so we could drag it into the house. And that’s the story of the best Christmas tree gathering mission. See, the secret to a great Christmas tree is that you can’t care what color it is, or if it has a flat side, or even if it's so sparse that you can see clear through it to the other side! A flat side is great, because you can get it closer to the wall and it won’t take up so much of your living room square footage. And color doesn’t matter once you layer it up with lights and beads and Christmas ornaments. And sparseness just guarantees that you have more space to hang all of your ornaments! And most importantly, all great Christmas trees come from pastures, and not from tree lots, and ESPECIALLY not plastic and from a box. That is just heresy.
This is the tree at my parents' house last year -
what a proper Christmas tree looks like. 

14.   Kirk Cameron argues that Christmas trees are not pagan symbols because God made trees and placed them in the Garden of Eden; and also that Christmas should be celebrated in the winter because it symbolizes the turn from cold, dark, death to life and light and springtime. Okkkkkk I have literally never heard any of this nonsense in my life, and I have heard a lot of nonsense in my life; and I just feel like Kirk Cameron is pulling this out of his backside.
15.   “Adam stole a fruit from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, and what happens when you steal something? You have to put it back. But Adam couldn’t do that, he already ate the fruit. So Jesus, as the Last Adam, put himself on the tree as God’s most righteous fruit, and that’s why we hang ornaments on a Christmas tree, which symbolizes Jesus hanging on the cross.” Son, you are reaching so hard right now, Jesus is spinning in his grave. Or, he would, if hadn’t been bodily resurrected and beamed back up to heaven. This is why non-Christians think we’re weirdos.
16.   Unironically-Named Caricature is just so blown away by this weird interpretation of Christmas that literally no one in their lives has ever heard before. He’s speechless. So am I, buddy. Probably not for the same reasons.
17.   “Santa has obliterated Jesus! Jesus is gone, kids just want to take pictures with Santa Clause! And you know what? S-A-N-T-A, rearrange the letters? SATAN. Same letters. Coincidence?” Wowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww, what? In other news, I never believed in Santa - my parents never really pushed the narrative, and I guess none of us possessed the suspension of disbelief necessary to seriously imagine that he was real. We also hung our stockings on the banister instead of the mantel that we don't have, so I'm sure that didn't help. My little sister also once told kids in kindergarten that they could only play with her on the playground if they didn't believe in Santa. She's harsh, even at such a tender age. I don't recall how my parents handled that one.
18.   “Santa rewards the good kids, and punishes the bad, who else does that? God.” “Ok, but last I checked, #SavedByGrace. This is like a carjacking of our religion! Christmas is gone, it’s all about Santa now! Read the Bible, it’s in the Bible, flip-flip-flip. You can’t tell me that Santa Claus is in the Bible, what, is it in Third Corinthians?” This guy is like Donald Trump, I swear, just stream-of-consciousness nonsense, and interrupting Kirk Cameron (which is fine, because Kirk Cameron doesn’t have anything worthwhile to say), and just straight-up babbling until he eventually runs out of steam. Also, it’s Three Corinthians, thanks.
19.   Santa Claus is not Satan Claus because he fought for the deity of Christ at the Council of Nicea, and yeah, I mean, I guess that’s true. Apparently he also slapped someone across the face, which is a really interesting way to defend Christ. “It was not the time to stay silent for the sake of being politically correct.” Shut up, Kirk Cameron, seriously, that’s not how being PC works.
20.   Unironically-Named Caricature is tooooooootally blown away by Kirk Cameron’s flawwwwwwless spinning of Christmas, and now he’s soooooooo excited about Christmas, despite the fact that Kirk Cameron never actually answered any of his questions about “how many kids could we feed, how many wells could we dig?”
21.   OMG HE IS SO PUMPED UP ABOUT SAVING CHRISTMAS NOW THAT KIRK CAMERON PUMPED HIM UP WITH DUBIOUS NONSENSE ABOUT CHRISTMAS TREES AND SATAN CLAUS.
22.   “Imagine the presents like a city skyline, like the New Jerusalem, with a tree in the middle of the city, a healing tree, with lights that shine in the darkness over the city, the stars over Bethlehem.” Dude. What.
23.   Kirk Cameron stands in the open doorway, letting cold air in, and no one minds this wanton waste of electricity, because #JesusOrSomeShit
24.   OMG he’s STILL standing in the doorway, it’s been like 10 minutes, what, do you people burn money for fun on a slow Friday night?!?
25.   “Remember those soldiers at the nativity, the ones that didn’t actually exist, because I literally combined several Bible stories into one and then said it with confidence, so people believed me? Yeah, so when you see soldiers at Christmas, think of that.” What.
26.   Wow, these people have two industrial-sized refrigerators, side-by-side, maybe they actually DO burn money for fun on a slow Friday night.
27.   Unironically-Named Caricature apologizes to his wife for being a jerk, and then gets his Black Caricature Friend to deejay a hip-hop dance-off to a hip-hop version of “Angels We Have Heard On High,” because Kirk Cameron. The hip-hop dance-off is mostly (entirely) white people, because of course it is.
28.   No word on whether or not Kirk Cameron finally ever even heard of… closing the __-damn door. He clearly does not have a sense of poise and rationality.
29.   “Don’t buy into the complaint of materialism at Christmas!” Ok, but like, that’s a very valid concern, you Trickle-Down-Economic.
30.   The movie ends with Kirk Cameron winking at Unironically-Named Caricature over a wineglass, and you just know that their relationship only gets weirder in the Easter sequel.

          Well, sorry that this post is less “empirically speaking, this is why this is a Bad Christian Film,” and more a long post about Christmas traditions in the Unruh family. Hope that wasn’t a huge letdown for anyone who actually wanted to read a nuanced critique. It was just too bad. There was too much wrong with it. I couldn’t do it.

          In short, I can aaaaabsolutely see why “Rotten Tomatoes” gave this a 0%. Like, I don’t even know where to start with this. Between Kirk Cameron literally pulling nonsense out of his backside, to Kirk Cameron literally pulling nonsense out of his backside, to Kirk Cameron not actually answering Unironically-Named Caricature’s legitimate questions about stewardship of resources, I just don’t even know. Like, I expected this movie to be bad, because Kirk Cameron, but this is a whole new level of SOOOOOOO INCOHERENTLY BAAAAAAAAAAD. There wasn’t even a plot, it was just Kirk Cameron rudely interrupting some dude’s legitimate car-interoverting! And then Kirk Cameron just HAPPENED to have ALL of these AMAZING and NEVER-BEFORE-HEARD spins on modern-day Christmas, and then everyone was happy at the end. I just don’t even know. The 2 hours I spent watching this and typing it up? I can never get that back.