“War Room” (alternate title: Prayer, Not Mutual Effort,
Changes Things) is by the same people that did “Facing the Giants” and
“Fireproof,” and several others. Obviously, it’s going to be incredible and
well-done. According to the trailer, Seemingly Perfect Wife and Seemingly
Perfect Husband are not having a great time with each other, and Adorable
Daughter knows it. In the course of doing her job, Seemingly Perfect Wife meets
Wise Black Woman, who shows her the “War Room” in her house, which is basically
a closet with prayer requests taped to the walls, where she retreats to do
battle with the powers and principalities, because prayer, and not mutual
effort, changes things. Seemingly Perfect Wife is inspired by Wise Black Woman,
and, tired of fighting with Seemingly Perfect Husband, makes her own War Room.
Eventually, through concentrated prayer and also mutual effort, their marriage
improves and by the end, everyone is praying, because it is prayer, and not
mutual effort, that changes things. Also, according to the poster, BETH MOORE
is in this movie, and if there’s anyone whose theology is JUST MY FAVORITE, it’s
Beth Moore. So I’m really looking forward to this.
1.
Seemingly Perfect Husband is a pharmaceutical
rep, and he bought a doctor a new golf club? OMG SIR YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO DO
THAT. If boards practice questions have taught me anything, it's that you can totes give him a new stethoscope or tongue depressor or whatever, but NOT a new golf club.
2.
Seemingly Perfect Husband meets Flirty-Flirt
Hottie and woo-woo, sparks.
3.
Seemingly Perfect Husband walks into the house
and immediately starts yelling at Seemingly Perfect Wife about money, because
he makes more than she does, and apparently that’s a thing that you need to
hold over your wife’s head.
4.
Seemingly Perfect Husband and Wife go to church
and meets Flirty-Flirt Hottie who walks in at the end of the sermon and makes
eyes at Seemingly Perfect Husband. That’s is just rude. A sermon is most of the
way through the service, jeez, just wait in the foyer until it’s over, gosh.
5.
Seemingly Perfect Husband is a giant jerkface,
and I’m changing his name to Jerkface Husband.
6.
Jerkface Husband seriously just told Adorable Daughter, who is
apparently an ace double-dutcher, that “she’s too old to jump rope." That is
just mean, and wtf is wrong with you?
7.
Wise Black Woman (trope!) is introduced because Seemingly
Perfect Wife is helping sell her house. She is adorable, and I love her,
and her house is beautiful and I want to buy it.
8.
Jerkface Husband calls Flirty-Flirt Hottie to go
on a date, because of course he does. Dude, you are so gross, and you don’t deserve the effort that your
wife goes through on your behalf.
9.
Wise Black Woman gives Seemingly Perfect Wife a
cup full of lukewarm coffee because Seemingly Perfect Wife says that her
spiritual life is “neither hot nor cold, it just is,” and honestly, that’s
hilarious, mostly because coffee is gross, and I don’t care if people ruin it.
10.
Wise Black Woman shows Seemingly Perfect Wife
the “War Room” that is in her closet. She calls it her War Room because it’s
where she goes to fight in prayer for people. As a pacifist, I am largely
uncomfortable with the militaristic terminology that goes along with going into battle
against the powers and principalities armed with the weapons of Scripture and
whatnot, but there is something to be said for making a concerted effort to
think of others and work towards the improvement of their lives.
11.
“Wise Black Woman, I don’t have all this time to
pray for Jerkface Husband every day!” “Oh yeah? But you have plenty of time to
fight losing battles with Jerkface Husband, though, right?” ZINGGGGGG.
12.
Wise Black Woman tells Seemingly Perfect Wife
that she needs to pray and also just lay down and take it for awhile until
Jerkface Husband sees that he’s being a big meanie, and spontaneously changes
himself. Um, no, that is not ok, and that’s an incredibly harmful way of
thinking about marriage.
13.
Jerkface Husband does not value his wife’s
family enough to help them through a financial tight spot, even though he just
got another whopping bonus from work. Also he complains about his wife’s smelly
feet, which is just rude af.
14.
Jerkface Husband tells Wise Black Friend about
how he’s tired of “my wife and her junk,” and bro, you don’t deserve all the
effort your wife is putting in on your behalf.
15.
Wise Black Woman tells Seemingly Perfect Wife to
back off from yelling at Jerkface Husband and make a concerted effort to love
him, and also to pray about it, and he’ll come around eventually, who knows
when. And, you know, making an effort is not a bad idea, and playing “wait and
see” is not terrible, but at some point, you have to say “you know what, no. Enough of this”
16.
Seemingly Perfect Wife walks around her house
shouting at the devil to get out of her house, and honestly, that is a pretty
effective self-talk strategy right there. There certainly is something to be
said for consciously thinking about things as though someone else has control
of them – really helps one to be objective.
17.
Flirty-Flirt Hottie invites Jerkface Husband
back to her apartment to “try a bottle of wine.” He agrees, but then feels gross
and barfy, which is probably a reaction to being a jerkface who doesn’t deserve
the effort his wife is putting in on his behalf.
18.
Once she submits to God, Seemingly Perfect Wife
starts selling houses like a boss, attending her daughter’s double-dutch tournaments,
and suddenly everything is perfect, because #ProsperityGospel
19.
Jerkface Husband comes home and reads his wife’s
text messages about him flirty-flirting with another woman and gets SUUUUUPER
ANGRYYYYY because HOW DARE HE FLIRTY-FLIRT WITH ANOTHER WOMAN.
20.
Jerkface Husband can’t understand how his wife
isn’t SUPER UPSET about him losing his job because he cheated his employers, BUT OBVIOUSLY IT’S BECAUSE SHE HAS
JESUS NOW.
21.
Jerkface Husband looks for his gym bag in his
wife’s closet/prayer room and finds all her handwritten notes and goes to his Wise Black Friend, who is like “DUDE THIS IS IMPORTANT, WOMEN DON’T JUST GIVE UP
CLOSET SPACE FOR NOTHING, DAWG.” Bro, NOBODY just gives up closet space, ok,
it’s not just a lady-thing, don’t be sexist.
22.
Inspiring music swells as Jerkface Husband
realizes what a jerkface he’s been. ABOUT TIME, BRO.
23.
Jerkface Husband realizes that Adorable Daughter
is totally adorable, and actually super good at double-dutching; and that his
wife is fantastic and still sticking around even though he’s been a jerkface;
and he’s totally shocked and apologizes for everything, and now I’m sure
everything will be totally awesome, because it’s super easy to break deeply-ingrained
habits.
24.
Everything is going great now, because they’ve all
submitted to God, and everything is just awesome because #ProsperityGospel
25.
Apparently double-dutch tournaments are a Thing,
and they look super cool, actually.
26.
Pumpy “Owl City” sound-alikes play “Me Without
You” which is another “Jesus is my boyfriend” song that is super catchy, and also super common in Bad Christian Movies (see "Christian Mingle" review).
27.
Oh, now suddenly everyone is praying, ok. Oh,
check it, “See You At The Pole!” I did that, once. Most awkward thing ever. I
am just not all about the public displays of religiosity, unless it involves posting satirical articles about Christianity and Mennonites to my Facebook page.
In conclusion, “War Room” was not as terrible as some of the
movies I’ve reviewed for this blog. I do not appreciate the theology that says
women are expected to doormat for their husbands until *eventually* they come
around, and that says women should love their husbands because God loves us
that way. Yes, but we are not God, and for better or for worse, our love is
conditional on our spouses not being jerkfaces. I’ve known too many women who have stayed with Jerkface Husbands
because “that’s what God wants me to do” to be cool with that narrative.
Ultimately, yeah, prayer is great, whatever. But you have to know when enough
is enough, and when it’s time to talk, and when it’s time to say “you know, not
anymore.” Christianity can be pretty abusive with the theology of staying with
a jerkface spouse, and I just don’t think we need an entire movie about it (actually, two - see "Fireproof" review) –
people get it often enough from their churches.
Also, apparently Beth Moore was in a scene, and I didn’t
realize. That’s fine, I don’t care for her particular brand of religiosity.
