Christian Mingle

       

         According to the trailer, Gwenyth (who even names their kid Gwenyth anymore? Mom always told me that when I was picking out baby names, I should stand on my back porch and shriek their proposed name as loudly as possible, five times, and if I felt stupid doing it, then I probably shouldn’t pick that name. And that’s now GERRRRTRUUUDE EVELYYYYYN UNRUUUUUUH was scratched off the list) is a standard cool-girl, looking for love in all the wrong places. And by “wrong places,” we mean OKCupid or Tinder or eHarmony. Because she’s not looking for love in all the right places (church), she hasn’t found it yet. So, on a whim, she signs up for ChristianMingle.com (which definitely did NOT sponsor this movie) despite the fact that she doesn’t even know what a Christian is or how to act like one, which will definitely NOT be a major plot point in this film. S/O to Emily Luedke for digging this one out of the trash heap.

1. Kickin’ this movie right off with an Owl-City sound-alike, which is about Jesus, and not fireflies. Hilariously, the song is entitled “Me Without You,” and is set to a slideshow of a girl and a boy hanging out, and not a girl hanging out with Jesus, which even more concretely makes my point that modern Christian music is just secular music with “Jesus” inserted in place of “my boyfriend.”
2. Scene of Sad Single Gwen sadly flipping through channels while eating cookies and reading Facebook about all her friends being in relationships, because that’s what single girls do. They don’t cultivate hobbies or friendships, they just pine about how they’re not married.  
3. WHAT, DID YOU JUST THROW THAT POINSETTIA INTO THE TRASH WITHOUT EVEN TRYING TO RESUSCITATE IT?! You can’t even keep a plant alive, why do you think you don’t have a boyfriend?!!?
4. OMG IF YOU SIGN UP ON CHRISTIANMINGLE.COM AND YOU DON’T ACTUALLY ATTEND CHURCH, YOU PROBS SHOULD NOT LIE AND SAY YOU ATTEND CHURCH EVERY WEEK. That’s just bad form, and it will be immediately obvious. Hope you’re not Catholic, cuz the jig will be up as soon as you start jumbling that liturgy.
5.  They make a book called “Christianity for Dummies?”
6. This girl has zero conversational skills, no wonder all of her dates have sucked.
7. “Uncomplicated AND a believer!” Haha… this relationship is founded on SO MANY LIES ALREADY AND IT IS LITERALLY 10 SECONDS OLD.
8. Apparently the “Christianity for Dummies” book did not include a section on how to fake a believable prayer.
9. “Who says I’m not Christian? I read the Bible!” Apparently not enough, since you had to read a book called “Christianity for Dummies”
10. This girl totally has a Pinterest board titled “Someday…………………”
11. NO NO NO NO NO DO NOT DIP YOUR SUSHI IN THE SOY SAUCE WITHOUT TRYING IT FIRST the sushi chefs are totes judging you if you do that. It was on NPR, you can read about it here. 
12. You have read the Bible before, but have to read a book titled “The Bible for Dummies” instead of actually reading the Bible in order to learn about the Bible? I just… you’re doing it so, so wrong.
13. UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I literally (LITERALLY) just did a Tina-groan out loud - this Bible study scene where she tries to recite a Bible verse about marriage and sexual immorality, but instead mis-attributes it to the wrong author…… it is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO AWWWWWKWAAAARRRRDDDDDDDDDDDDDD.
14. Girl, if you can’t freaking find Romans right off the bat, you are totally sunk. That one is pretty basic.  Did you never have sword-fights as a kid? “GALATIONS 5:17, GO!” Like, Titus, Obadiah, Haggai, sure, but Romans?
15. “I’m really good at faking it.” *snicker*
16. “Your mother doesn’t like me.” Of course she doesn’t, you’re a blatant fakity faker, and moms can spot that in like 0.0000006 seconds.
17. These people are SUUUUCH caricatures of modern Christianity, it is the most painful thing.
18. You’re mad at Christian Boyfriend, so you’re not answering his calls? Real mature. Probably why you haven’t been able to sustain a viable relationship.
19. Girl just ships off and visits Christian Boyfriend in Mexico, where apparently they have crackle-free cell reception, which I don’t believe for one minute.
20. Who nominated this cowboy singer, anyway, because he’s absolutely terrible.
21. Both Fakity Faker and Christian Boyfriend agree that the cowboy singer has a beautiful voice, which is definitely a sign that they deserve each other.
22. Every Mexican character in this entire movie just stands around and stares, while the white people move around and get stuff done. Thank goodness for the white people, otherwise nothing would ever get done.
23. “You know what I think? You’re pretending. The “Christianity for Dummies” book that I found in your luggage didn’t tip me off at all.” Good grief, Christian Boyfriend, how did you fit that thick book into your jacket pocket? An Undetectable Extension charm?
24. “Why does it matter that you’re a Christian, and I’m not, even though I totally said I was, but I was lying about that, and what does it matter that our entire relationship is based on this one very important lie about who we each are?” Hahahahaaaaaaa…… like, how did you expect this to turn out? At what point did you plan on telling Christian Boyfriend that you’ve been faking it this whole time?
25. Skipping work because you have strep throat would NOT buy you a couple weeks, who are these pansies? Go to the Urgent Care, get some Amoxicillin, deal.
26. NO NO NO NO NO DO NOT START READING THE BIBLE WITH GENESIS OMG STOP IT. Yeah, sure, it’s cool for a few pages, with the “Let there Bes” and the “And it was goods” and the “two by twos” and the incest between Lot and his daughters, but once you get to Leviticus, with the menstrual requirements, and the mold, and the uncleanliness, you’ll stall out.
27. Oh, girl, picking a random church because you were walking past on the sidewalk, and they had a rockin’ multiracial praise team with tambourines and lots of clapping, that’s just not the way to do it.
28. Girl, you can’t be disappointed in Christian Ex-Boyfriend because he’s dating a girl who isn’t a Christian from reading “Christianity for Dummies.” I think maybe you don’t have that right…
29. "I’ll pray for you.” That’s the Christian way to end a conversation without saying “Buzz off, jerkface”
30. HOW ARE YOU ANGRY THAT CHRISTIAN EX-BOYFRIEND DUMPED YOU THE FIRST TIME FOR PRETENDING TO BE A CHRISTIAN BY READING “CHRISTIANITY FOR DUMMIES AND WHO THEN DUMPED YOU *AGAIN* BECAUSE YOU CALLED HIM OUT FOR DATING A GIRL THAT ISN’T YOU, A GIRL THAT DIDN’T PRETEND TO BE A CHRISTIAN BY READING “CHRISTIANITY FOR DUMMIES,” BUT WHO ACTUALLY *IS* A CHRISTIAN, AND ISN’T LYING ABOUT A VERY FUNDAMENTAL ASPECT OF RELATIONSHIPS?!?!?!?” Shouldn’t you be mad at yourself at this point, for making such a public spectacle of yourself?
31. How did the little Mexican girl get her address to send her a plot-device letter?
32.  …………………… so she moves to Mexico and teaches English to the little Mexican girl's friends……… except the kids don’t need to learn English, because they already speak it without a trace of an accent…
33. Christian Ex-Boyfriend is back………………? He dumped the Real Christian Girlfriend to come back for the girl who based their entire relationship on a really big lie? You guys are gonna need some major pre-marital counseling

               THAT WAS SO PAINFUL I AM SO GLAD THAT IT IS OVER OMG IT WAS LITERALLY THE WORST MOVIE I HAVE EVER WATCHED FOR THIS BLOG AND THAT INCLUDES "GOD IS NOT DEAD." Sorry for the excessive use of caps lock, you guys, but this movie 1000% deserves every capitalized letter. It was absolutely excruciating. The moral of this movie was “Base your relationship on a lie, and it’ll totally work out for you!” Alternative moral was “Mexicans need white people to fix their problems for them.” I don’t have anything nice to say about this movie, it was absolutely awful. I don't even know what the target audience is, because it was offensive on so many levels. Like, "God is Not Dead," is obvi for the apologetics buffs. Kirk Cameron is obviously for men who want to feel good about yelling at their wives. "Left Behind" is obviously for people who think Obama is the Antichrist," and I get it, movies need a target audience. But this... it was just so bad. I don't even know who the writers had in mind when they wrote it.