The Red Tent

     

You cannot convince me that this is not the best movie poster of all time.

      I have heard nothing but good things about “The Red Tent.” A BRL friend from Bethel told me about the Lifetime adaptation, and how I absolutely HAD to read the book. So I ordered it awhile back, and spent last weekend reading it in it's entirety. Then this weekend, I watched the movie.
     The book/movie is about Dinah, one of Jacob’s daughters by his 1^st wife Leah. The only mention of Dinah in the Bible is from Genesis 34, in which Dinah goes out walking one day and is raped by this dude Shecham, who was the son of the local bigwig. After raping her, he was like “Oh… she’s kinda cuuuute, maybe I should marry her!” Presumably Dinah had no say in the matter, because being a lady in the Old Testament SUUUUUUUUUUUUCKED. So he gets his dad to try and talk to Dinah’s dad, Jacob (of the Jacob-and-Esau fame), to see if they could get married. Jacob finds out how this kid Shechem knows Dinah, and understandably flips his lid, tells his sons what happed, and they, understandably, flip their collective lids. Meanwhile, Shecham’s dad is still trying to get Dinah to marry his son, so he goes to talk to Jacob and his sons again, and they’re like “Yeah, it’s totes cool that you’re gonna marry our sister, we have no problems with that whatsoever! But all the people in your local bigwiggery have to get circumcised in trade for her, because… reasons!” So Shecham’s dad is like “Yeah, sounds reasonable.” While all the dudes in the local bigwiggery are lying around groaning in pain, Dinah’s brothers show up with swords and killed all of the men, looted the city, and stole all their flocks of animals, killed Shecham and his son, and brought their sister back. So kind of a weird and bloody little historical footnote.

     BUT the book is super good, just oozing with female empowerment and stuff. And I love me some feminist empowerment, especially when it’s encapsulated by a really great historical mostly-fiction-but-not-completely story that’s based in something from the Bible. Because let's be real - the Bible and female empowerment are usually mutually exclusive terms. Not always (see Tamar, Mary Magdalene, Ruth, Esther), but it’s a good rule of thumb.

     So here we go! I’m super excited to NOT get really angry at some dumb movie!

1. Seriously though, is there nothing worse than an unrequited love-triangle? Unless it’s an unrequited love triangle made up entirely of people in the same family. Leah loves Jacob who loves Rachel, who loves Jacob back, but is also Leah’s little sister. Oh, and they’re all cousins! Bleargh. They are just asking for some recessive genetic diseases.
2. For being known as "the ugly sister," Leah is extremely beautiful.
3. Jacob’s totally ok with having Leah instead of Rachel. Dude gets his cake and can eat it too!
4. Wow, Jacob, four wives instead of one. SO much cake.
5. Jacob is SUCH a shrewd investor. Honestly, the only thing I knew about this guy was that he’s really good at breeding sheep, and that he tricked his dad into giving him the eldest-son birthright, which seems a little low, buuuuut at the same time, the eldest-son birthright is a pretttty sweet deal, sooo…… I’m not sure how much I can really fault him for that. Also he had a crapton of kids, because that tends to happen when you have four wives.
6. WHYYYYY are Simeon and Levi always the jerks? In “King of Dreams,” they were the dark-haired, shifty-eyed jerkfaces, and now the same is true here, too! Maybe I didn’t pay attention enough in Sunday School, but I’m not sure that’s ever really implied in Genesis.
7. Where do all these incredibly beautiful women get the tools to sculpt their incredibly beautiful eyebrows? I mean seriously you guys, I have a mirror and at least 40 more centuries of beautification technology on them, and my brows do not look even half that good!
8. Yarrow root??! The only thing I know about yarrow root is that if you chew it, your tongue goes numb (thanks Camp Friedenswald!). Turns out it’s also Bronze Age Ambien.
9. ENTER THE BAD GUY. You can tell because he wears a lot of black eyeliner. Dinah, gurl, he totes notices you peeking at him from across the way. You’re not being sneaky at all.
10. “Not as beautiful as you.” Oh, you charmer. 
11. Ohhhhh gurrrrl you are gonna regret that decision. Stripping down for a dude you just met that wears that much black eyeliner, and whom you plan to marry without asking your dad is just not the mark of a well-considered choice, not when you’re an OT lady. Nowadays, sure, whatever, full steam ahead. Back then? No.
12. Dinah’s sexy striptease is made even more awkward by the complete lack of response from Not-So-Bad-Guy.
13. OHHHHHHHHHHHH the family couldn’t POSSIBLY want Dinah back, because she’s no longer “pure.” Haha, you guys suck. But seriously, though. Sit down. *Relatedly, I read a book over Christmas that was all about stuff like that, and how a girl’s dowry wasn’t so much payment to her dad in exchange for the work he’ll not get out of her once she left the farm, but more as payment for her intact hymen. PATRIARCHY.
14. Mmmmm… circumcision. Nothing says “good bride price” like a big pile of foreskins.
15. WHY is it that Simeon and Levi and Joseph are the only sons that ever show up in this movie? Jacob has 10 other sons, and none of them are ever even mentioned!
16. “It’s just a flesh wound!” Yeah, Not-So-Bad-Guy, that’s what they all say. Look at what happened to that one dude from Game of Thrones! “Just a flesh wound to my sculpted and incredibly defined pecs,” but then he dies of blood poisoning or something.
17. How in the crap did Jacob’s sons (ie Levi and Simeon) slit Not-So-Bad-Guy’s throat without Dinah noticing?!? They were in the same bed, 6” from each other! I would certainly notice that sort of thing, especially if there were blood-loss-induced thrashing going on.
18. You know, Jacob, bringing up the shame your daughter brought on your name by not asking his permission to marry Not-So-Bad-Guy MIGHT have been better brought up in a conversation that did not directly proceed from blood-drenched Dinah’s completely justified ranting involving your sons and their rampant murder of everyone. Just saying. Time and place, dude. Also, Dinah, wow. Call it like it is, gurl. 
19. Not-So-Bad-Guy’s mom is a total boss. What a lady, I mean, really. Strong female role and all that.
20. I take it back. She’s a total BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITCH.
21. Is anyone planning to do anything about the Dinah’s episiotomy-induced HEMORRORHAGE?!??!? She’s bleeding all over the place! Jeez guys, I know you’re Bronze Age and all, but if you can do an episiotomy, you can sure as heck fix one.
22. No, random carpenter, Dinah’s kid Re-mose does NOT have Dinah’s eyes. Hers are blue, his are deep brown. It’s like saying Harry has Lily’s eyes, when he clearly does not.
23. Wow, this is hardly the Dreamworks’ version of the confident and carefree Joseph that lived in an Egyptian cell for like 5 years, practicing botany and vibrato in his spare time. This terrified and unkempt Joseph is probably more accurate, though.
24. Re-mose, your hair is stupid looking. And you’re a complete douchenozzle.
25. GUUUUHHHHHHH girl has some crippling self-esteem issues. And some dude swoops in and saves her. Thank goodness for the mens, amirite, ladies?
26. OH SNAP DINAH’S KID RE-MOSE WORKS FOR THE EGYPTIAN VIZIER WHO IS NOW JOSEPH, WHOSE WIFE IS IN LABOR AND IS BEING ATTENDED TO BY DINAH. IT’S ONE BIG HAPPY FAMILY REUNION! Except no one knows it, because none of them actually meet. Also, I don't want to be like "Well, in the BOOK..." but in the book, Joseph is an arrogant but illiterate former slave with homosexual leanings. Not very Lifetime-movie-friendly, I gather.
27. Now that they have met, it would have been better if they hadn’t, cuz all hell breaks loose.
28. Joseph can forgive his brothers for selling him into slavery, but can’t forgive his sister’s kid for nicking his pecs? He’s probably (justifiably) afraid of dying of blood poisoning. But c’mon dude, where’s that soulfully-singing botanist we’re all so familiar with?
29. So if all the kids are coming together to be with their dying dad, where are all the other brothers? Seriously, again, it’s just Joseph and Dinah. But I guess if I’d sold my brother into slavery, and killed my sister’s husband and every dude in his kingdom, and were the direct agent of their misery, I’d probably lay pretty low, too.

     At the end of the movie, everyone is ok with everyone else and all is forgiven, because what is a Lifetime movie if it doesn’t end like that? The book is a lot darker. That said, it was a very well done production, and I very much enjoyed it. You guys, look, it’s totally possible to do a religiously-themed movie without kowtowing to idiotic, overused themes, and Lifetime just did it. It’s not perfect, because of course it couldn’t be, but of all the religious-themed movies I’ve reviewed for this blog, this is the one that I’ve hated the least, by a long, long shot. I probably liked it because it took a lot of artistic liberties with a story that is a tiny, weird little footnote in Genesis, one that hasn’t been told like 9,000 times. And it's cool because it tells the story from the lady's point of view, which, let's be honest, is pretty much absent from the OT. The mens get to tell all the stories, and as a result, maaaaaaybe stuff gets a little twisted in the telling. "History is written by the victors," and all that. This story was also awesome because it involved a bunch of super boss ladies who were very cool. I would legitimately like to hang out and menstruate in the red tent with them. It sounds like it would be really fun. You should defs read the book. Unfortunately, you can’t go see “The Red Tent” in theaters, but you can probably stream it on the Internet. If I can do it, you can, too. And you totally should. Full marks.