God's (Not) Dead

    

     “God's (Not) Dead” is basically the ham-fisted, live-action remake of Lee Strobel's “Case for a Creator.” Have you read that book? I've read that book. I DEVOURED that book, took notes, took the arguments to my high school biology teacher, and tried them out during his class on evolution. He was very kind, but in his head was probably like “No. Stop. Just stop. Why did I start teaching, again?”

     The basic premise of "God's (Not) Dead" is that Fresh-Faced Christian Dude goes to college. His first (and apparently only) course is Philosophy, taught by Atheist Professor, who orders his students to write "God is dead" on a sheet of paper in order to pass. The sheeple in the class comply, because passing grade, but fresh-faced Christian dude refuses, because Christian. Atheist Professor allows him this transgression, contingent on his winning over his classmates in a defense of God, which of course he does, because if there's one thing God needs, it's some fresh-faced Christian dude to defend him. Errors, suspensions of belief, and flat-out terrible (or the elusive laudable) moments are as follows:

1.             Really? In the first five minutes of this movie, there is already an incredibly offensive racial stereotype? Hey, writers, before telling someone to slap a scarf over her head and face in the most ridiculous approximation of a hijab, HOW ABOUT YOU DO A BASIC GOOGLE IMAGES SEARCH?!?! That's not what it looks like.

2.             The Overly Caricatured Liberal Woman with “meat is murder” and humanism stickers on her bumper just might be a liberal, but I'm not sure that the stereotype is heavy-handed enough.

3.             ADORABLE OLD WOMAN WITH DEMENTIA, I LOVE HER!!!!! She'll end up being the only reason I keep watching this film, I guarantee it.

4.             Really? Out of a class of 50, only Fresh-Faced Christian Dude is a Christian? Maybe I'm used to living in the Bible Belt, but that seems improbable.

5.             It is also a suspension of belief that this professor hasn't been fired for this.

6.             Dear writers – if you want to have a Muslim girl throw a scarf over her head and call it a fakity-fake hijab, AT LEAST stay true to Muslim ideals of modesty, and DON'T HAVE HER WEAR A SHORT-SLEEVED SHIRT!

7.             Extremely Handsome Pastor gives Fresh-Faced Christian Dude some Scripture references and then walks away. Just the references. Not the actual Scripture. Luke 12:48, Matthew 10:33. Like he was playing Bible Bingo or something. Doesn't even write them down. My luck, I'd go home, forget, try to remember, and then end up looking up that one passage in the Gospel of James, where Jesus says “pass the celery,” and then I'd be really confused as to how that was to bring about the Kingdom of God.

8.             Uh, yeah, Overly Caricatured Liberal Woman, when you go to the doctor, you're gonna want to turn your phone off and not answer it 3x in the first 10 seconds. We doctors hate that sort of thing.

9.             Hey doctor, according to Clinical Skilz, when you tell a woman she might die of cancer, it's best to do it as an open-ended question, and be sure that you ask her how it makes her feel, hearing that she might die of cancer.

10.          Fresh-Faced Christian Dude's Beautiful Girlfriend, on the day of their 6^th anniversary of their meeting in youth group, tells him that he has to choose between her and defending God in his Philosophy class. Uhmmmm... maybe I went to the wrong youth group growing up, but we wimmins were encouraged to encourage the mens to defend God...

11.          Beautiful Girlfriend DROPS Fresh-Faced Christian Dude LIKE A HOT POTATO because he's too into God? Let's be honest here, she totally cheated on him with his best friend, and this is her exit strategy.

12.          The school library uses rubber stamps for due dates? I haven't seen a rubber-stamped due date since I was in MIDDLE SCHOOL. IN 2004. TEN YEARS AGO.

13.          Atheist Professor has a Christian Girlfriend. Guuuurl, at this point, you have only yourself to blame.

14.          Atheist Professor's Boring Colleagues are obviously not Christians. You can tell by the way they are horrible to Christian Girlfriend, all because she served bad wine. Ok, screenwriters, we get it - ALL ATHEISTS ARE TERRIBLE PEOPLE AND HAVE NO MORAL COMPASS OR BASELINE FOR TREATING PEOPLE KINDLY. Can we stop beating that dead horse?

15.          Yeah, Fresh-Faced Christian Dude, insulting Atheist Professor in HIS OWN CLASS, in front of his students, is probably the best way to eighty-six your college career. If you weren't infamous before, you certainly are now. Good luck escaping that stigma.

16.          Hey, Fresh-Faced Christian Dude, are you a biologist? Have you taken a few biology courses? No? Then stop using Darwin to prove God's existence. It's not as simple as it sounds, and you're outta your depth. Unless you actually have some real biology knowledge (and are not parroting Lee Strobel), you just sound foolish to the rest of us, who actually DO have biology knowledge. Also, the “facts” you're using are at least 20 years out of date.

17.          Haha. Fresh-Faced Christian Dude's face, when Atheist Professor starts quoting Job. It very clearly says “I do not recognize this passage, because I have never read Job. In my church, we only read I Corinthians 13, Luke 2, the Golden Rule, and that one passage in Leviticus about the homosexuals.”

18.          Ugh. This tired old trope. “Hey, I know I'm Atheist Professor NOW, but this one time, I was CHRISTIAN Professor! Only, my mom died. My CHRISTIAN mom. SO I BECAME AN ATHEIST BECAUSE GOD LET MY MOM DIE.” Stop. Just stop.

19.          OMG SCREENWRITERS, DID YOU SERIOUSLY JUST HAVE MUSLIM DAD SLAP MUSLIM GIRL ACROSS THE FACE BECAUSE SHE WAS LISTENING TO CHRISTIAN STUFF?!?! AND THEN YOU THREW HER OUT OF THE HOUSE?!?!!? Why don't you just have him yell “Allahu Akbar” a few times, just to get the point across the Muslims are REALLY BAD PEOPLE.

20.          Boring Colleagues give each other awkward side-eye when Christian Girlfriend breaks up with Atheist Professor in front of them. Yeah, girl, GET IT.

21.          Really, Extremely Handsome Pastor? You're really gonna use PAUL to comfort Secretly Christian Muslim Girl? Of all the misogynistic writers in the Bible, you're gonna choose Paul? Why not Stephen?! He gave a very nice, non-misogynistic speech about suffering as he was being stoned to death! Or Jesus! Dude was all about suffering and persecution, and perseverance in the face of persecution! They tried to kill him like 5 times, but he just kept right on truckin', even after they kind of succeeded that one time... now THAT'S inspiring.

22.          Atheist Professor's and Fresh-Faced Christian Dude's unintentional meeting in an elevator is as awkward as it sounds.

23.          Yeah, hey, Atheist Professor, pro tip from a college student who dislikes figures of authority who misuse their positions of authority - maybe if you want to be taken seriously in your class, don't start screaming at Fresh-Faced Christian Dude... that's just gonna put all the students in your class on HIS side, simply because college kids don't like authority figures, and will use any excuse to spite them.

24.          I'm 100% certain that the class's 180 degree turnaround regarding the existence of God is 100% due to Atheist Professor LOSING HIS S***, and 0% due to Fresh-Faced Christian Dude's sound reasoning abilities and outstanding oratorical skills.

25.          Hmmm.... this camera-pan of Sweet Old Dementia Lady's darkened house is kind of weir- OMG THERE IS A MAN SITTING IN THE ROOM LIKE SOME KIND OF CREEPY CREEPSTER!!!!!

26.          CREEPY CREEPSTER MAN, YOU WILL NOT TALK TO YOUR SWEET OLD MOTHER LIKE THAT. I love old people, and I will NOT allow it!  Where is your sense of morality and respect?! Oh, right. You're not a Christian, so you are a bottomless pit of filth and moral degradation. Carry on.

27.          Wait, suddenly we're at a Newsboys Concert?

28.          Yeah, Atheist Professor, I'm sure you'll be able to find your Christian Girlfriend at the Newsboys concert, among 8,000 screaming Christian fangirls...

29.          Hitting Atheist Professor with a car in order to reach the next plot point is just bad writing.

30.          Apparently, when this scene showed in theaters, people LAUGHED. Christian people, one would assume, based on their attendance at this very-Christian film, LAUGHED as a man was hit by a car. Where in the Bible does it say “when a man is hit by a car, if that man be an atheist, thou shouldst laugh?” Nowhere. Not even in the Pseudoepigrapha. So before laughing at someone's misfortunes, ask yourself - “WWJD?” He wouldn't, that's what.

31.          Hey, Extremely Handsome Pastor, who serendipitously just HAPPENS to be present, do you moonlight as a doctor? No? Then maybe you shouldn't shout about how Atheist Professor has crushed ribs and lungs that are filling with blood, cuz I'm pretttttttty sure you have no idea.

32.          Also, Extremely Handsome Pastor, do you think that maybe, if you have a captive and dying audience, like poor crushed-ribs Atheist Professor here, do you think that maybe you might consider cutting your “Come to Jesus” spiel a little shorter, since the guy might actually choke on his own pulverized lungs and die before he gets the chance to rasp “Into your hands I commit my spirit?” My disapproval of your actions notwithstanding, I wouldn't want all your fine work to be in vain.

33.          Secretly Christian Muslim Girl and Fresh-Faced Christian Dude ALMOST CERTAINLY went home and boinked after they met at the concert. Nothin' like a little bit of Newsboys to get the blood up... 

     Yeah. So I disliked everyone in this movie. Except the sweet old lady with dementia, because I love old people. And Christian Girlfriend. She stood up for herself, even though conventional Christianity vacillates between “be not unequally yoked” and “stay in an abusive relationship because the light of Jesus will shine through you and eventually reach your abusive husband.” Atheist Professor was just a huge jerk (because he's an atheist, duh, and all atheists are bad people whose moral compass doesn't point north), Fresh-Faced Christian Dude couldn't make an argument to save his life, and everything about Muslim girl was just wrong. Everyone in this movie was stereotyped to the EXTREME. As if a lot of Christians don't have misunderstandings about Muslims in the first place, now you add physical abuse and poorly-researched beliefs? And atheists are NOT jerks. I mean, some of them are, like Dawkins, but on the whole, most of the atheists I've met are kind, thoughtful people who are often more accepting of people than a lot of Christians I know. So let that be a lesson!

     So to wrap it all up – don't watch this movie. It was written by a toddler with a crayon. I wasted my time on it so that you wouldn't have to. Instead, go call your grandma or something, she'd love to hear from you.