“God's (Not)
Dead” is basically the ham-fisted, live-action remake of Lee Strobel's “Case
for a Creator.” Have you read that book? I've read that book. I DEVOURED that
book, took notes, took the arguments to my high school biology teacher, and
tried them out during his class on evolution. He was very kind, but in his head
was probably like “No. Stop. Just stop. Why did I start teaching, again?”
The basic
premise of "God's (Not) Dead" is that Fresh-Faced Christian Dude goes
to college. His first (and apparently only) course is Philosophy, taught by
Atheist Professor, who orders his students to write "God is dead" on
a sheet of paper in order to pass. The sheeple in the class comply, because
passing grade, but fresh-faced Christian dude refuses, because Christian.
Atheist Professor allows him this transgression, contingent on his winning over
his classmates in a defense of God, which of course he does, because if there's
one thing God needs, it's some fresh-faced Christian dude to defend him.
Errors, suspensions of belief, and flat-out terrible (or the elusive laudable)
moments are as follows:
1.
Really? In the first five minutes of this movie, there is
already an incredibly offensive racial stereotype? Hey, writers, before telling
someone to slap a scarf over her head and face in the most ridiculous
approximation of a hijab, HOW ABOUT YOU DO A BASIC GOOGLE IMAGES SEARCH?!?!
That's not what it looks like.
2.
The Overly Caricatured Liberal Woman with “meat is murder”
and humanism stickers on her bumper just might be a liberal, but I'm not sure
that the stereotype is heavy-handed enough.
3.
ADORABLE OLD WOMAN WITH DEMENTIA, I LOVE HER!!!!! She'll
end up being the only reason I keep watching this film, I guarantee it.
4.
Really? Out of a class of 50, only Fresh-Faced Christian
Dude is a Christian? Maybe I'm used to living in the Bible Belt, but that seems
improbable.
5.
It is also a suspension of belief that this professor
hasn't been fired for this.
6.
Dear writers – if you want to have a Muslim girl throw a
scarf over her head and call it a fakity-fake hijab, AT LEAST stay true to
Muslim ideals of modesty, and DON'T HAVE HER WEAR A SHORT-SLEEVED SHIRT!
7.
Extremely Handsome Pastor gives Fresh-Faced Christian Dude
some Scripture references and then walks away. Just the references. Not the
actual Scripture. Luke 12:48, Matthew 10:33. Like he was playing Bible Bingo or
something. Doesn't even write them down. My luck, I'd go home, forget, try to
remember, and then end up looking up that one passage in the Gospel of James,
where Jesus says “pass the celery,” and then I'd be really confused as to how
that was to bring about the Kingdom of God.
8.
Uh, yeah, Overly Caricatured Liberal Woman, when you go to
the doctor, you're gonna want to turn your phone off and not answer it 3x in
the first 10 seconds. We doctors hate that sort of thing.
9.
Hey doctor, according to Clinical Skilz, when you tell a
woman she might die of cancer, it's best to do it as an open-ended question,
and be sure that you ask her how it makes her feel, hearing that she might die
of cancer.
10.
Fresh-Faced Christian Dude's Beautiful Girlfriend, on the
day of their 6th anniversary of their meeting in youth group, tells
him that he has to choose between her and defending God in his Philosophy
class. Uhmmmm... maybe I went to the wrong youth group growing up, but we
wimmins were encouraged to encourage the mens to defend God...
11.
Beautiful Girlfriend DROPS Fresh-Faced Christian Dude LIKE
A HOT POTATO because he's too into God? Let's be honest here, she totally
cheated on him with his best friend, and this is her exit strategy.
12.
The school library uses rubber stamps for due dates? I
haven't seen a rubber-stamped due date since I was in MIDDLE SCHOOL. IN 2004.
TEN YEARS AGO.
13.
Atheist Professor has a Christian Girlfriend. Guuuurl, at
this point, you have only yourself to blame.
14.
Atheist Professor's Boring Colleagues are obviously not
Christians. You can tell by the way they are horrible to Christian Girlfriend,
all because she served bad wine. Ok, screenwriters, we get it - ALL ATHEISTS
ARE TERRIBLE PEOPLE AND HAVE NO MORAL COMPASS OR BASELINE FOR TREATING PEOPLE
KINDLY. Can we stop beating that dead horse?
15.
Yeah, Fresh-Faced Christian Dude, insulting Atheist
Professor in HIS OWN CLASS, in front of his students, is probably the best way
to eighty-six your college career. If you weren't infamous before, you
certainly are now. Good luck escaping that stigma.
16.
Hey, Fresh-Faced Christian Dude, are you a biologist? Have
you taken a few biology courses? No? Then stop using Darwin to prove God's
existence. It's not as simple as it sounds, and you're outta your depth. Unless
you actually have some real biology knowledge (and are not parroting Lee
Strobel), you just sound foolish to the rest of us, who actually DO have
biology knowledge. Also, the “facts” you're using are at least 20 years out of
date.
17.
Haha. Fresh-Faced Christian Dude's face, when Atheist
Professor starts quoting Job. It very clearly says “I do not recognize this
passage, because I have never read Job. In my church, we only read I
Corinthians 13, Luke 2, the Golden Rule, and that one passage in Leviticus
about the homosexuals.”
18.
Ugh. This tired old trope. “Hey, I know I'm Atheist
Professor NOW, but this one time, I was CHRISTIAN Professor! Only, my mom died.
My CHRISTIAN mom. SO I BECAME AN ATHEIST BECAUSE GOD LET MY MOM DIE.” Stop.
Just stop.
19.
OMG SCREENWRITERS, DID YOU SERIOUSLY JUST HAVE
MUSLIM DAD SLAP MUSLIM GIRL ACROSS THE FACE BECAUSE SHE WAS LISTENING TO
CHRISTIAN STUFF?!?! AND THEN YOU THREW HER OUT OF THE HOUSE?!?!!? Why
don't you just have him yell “Allahu Akbar” a few times, just to get the point
across the Muslims are REALLY BAD PEOPLE.
20.
Boring Colleagues give each other awkward side-eye when
Christian Girlfriend breaks up with Atheist Professor in front of them. Yeah,
girl, GET IT.
21.
Really, Extremely Handsome Pastor? You're really gonna use
PAUL to comfort Secretly Christian Muslim Girl? Of all the misogynistic writers
in the Bible, you're gonna choose Paul? Why not Stephen?! He gave a very nice,
non-misogynistic speech about suffering as he was being stoned to death! Or
Jesus! Dude was all about suffering and persecution, and perseverance in the face
of persecution! They tried to kill him like 5 times, but he just kept right on
truckin', even after they kind of succeeded that one time... now THAT'S
inspiring.
22.
Atheist Professor's and Fresh-Faced Christian Dude's
unintentional meeting in an elevator is as awkward as it sounds.
23.
Yeah, hey, Atheist Professor, pro tip from a college
student who dislikes figures of authority who misuse their positions of
authority - maybe if you want to be taken seriously in your class, don't start
screaming at Fresh-Faced Christian Dude... that's just gonna put all the
students in your class on HIS side, simply because college kids don't like
authority figures, and will use any excuse to spite them.
24.
I'm 100% certain that the class's 180 degree turnaround
regarding the existence of God is 100% due to Atheist Professor LOSING HIS
S***, and 0% due to Fresh-Faced Christian Dude's sound reasoning abilities and
outstanding oratorical skills.
25.
Hmmm.... this camera-pan of Sweet Old Dementia Lady's
darkened house is kind of weir- OMG THERE IS A MAN SITTING IN THE ROOM LIKE
SOME KIND OF CREEPY CREEPSTER!!!!!
26.
CREEPY CREEPSTER MAN, YOU WILL NOT TALK TO YOUR
SWEET OLD MOTHER LIKE THAT. I love old people, and I will NOT allow it! Where is your sense of morality and respect?!
Oh, right. You're not a Christian, so you are a bottomless pit of filth and
moral degradation. Carry on.
27.
Wait, suddenly we're at a Newsboys Concert?
28.
Yeah, Atheist Professor, I'm sure you'll be able to find
your Christian Girlfriend at the Newsboys concert, among 8,000 screaming
Christian fangirls...
29.
Hitting Atheist Professor with a car in order to reach the
next plot point is just bad writing.
30.
Apparently, when this scene showed in theaters, people
LAUGHED. Christian people, one would assume, based on their attendance at this
very-Christian film, LAUGHED as a man was hit by a car. Where in the Bible does
it say “when a man is hit by a car, if that man be an atheist, thou shouldst
laugh?” Nowhere. Not even in the Pseudoepigrapha. So before laughing at
someone's misfortunes, ask yourself - “WWJD?” He wouldn't, that's what.
31.
Hey, Extremely Handsome Pastor, who serendipitously just
HAPPENS to be present, do you moonlight as a doctor? No? Then maybe you
shouldn't shout about how Atheist Professor has crushed ribs and lungs that are
filling with blood, cuz I'm pretttttttty sure you have no idea.
32.
Also, Extremely Handsome Pastor, do you think that maybe,
if you have a captive and dying audience, like poor crushed-ribs Atheist
Professor here, do you think that maybe you might consider cutting your “Come
to Jesus” spiel a little shorter, since the guy might actually choke on his own
pulverized lungs and die before he gets the chance to rasp “Into your hands I
commit my spirit?” My disapproval of your actions notwithstanding, I wouldn't
want all your fine work to be in vain.
33.
Secretly Christian Muslim Girl and Fresh-Faced Christian
Dude ALMOST CERTAINLY went home and boinked after they met at the concert.
Nothin' like a little bit of Newsboys to get the blood up...
Yeah. So I disliked
everyone in this movie. Except the sweet old lady with dementia, because I love
old people. And Christian Girlfriend. She stood up for herself, even though
conventional Christianity vacillates between “be not unequally yoked” and “stay
in an abusive relationship because the light of Jesus will shine through you
and eventually reach your abusive husband.” Atheist Professor was just a huge
jerk (because he's an atheist, duh, and all atheists are bad people whose moral
compass doesn't point north), Fresh-Faced Christian Dude couldn't make an
argument to save his life, and everything about Muslim girl was just wrong.
Everyone in this movie was stereotyped to the EXTREME. As if a lot of
Christians don't have misunderstandings about Muslims in the first place, now
you add physical abuse and poorly-researched beliefs? And atheists are NOT
jerks. I mean, some of them are, like Dawkins, but on the whole, most of the
atheists I've met are kind, thoughtful people who are often more accepting of
people than a lot of Christians I know. So let that be a lesson!
So to wrap it
all up – don't watch this movie. It was written by a toddler with a crayon. I
wasted my time on it so that you wouldn't have to. Instead, go call your
grandma or something, she'd love to hear from you.
